Father? (Frerard)

Sixteen - losing

hello
we are slowly coming to the end of this book
once it's finished I want to finish my other book called wrong place, wrong time
can't promise updates will be regular :/ but i will try
anyway, enjoy

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I didn't know how to feel, whether to be sad or happy. I wanted to smile and be ecstatic but at the same time, I felt like breaking things in rage. I suddenly felt so old and left out with that one sentence.

'you have become a grandfather'

I didn't know anything more than that. I figured my daughter has had a baby but I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl, are they healthy? Who is the father? Is it Gerard? Should I tell him? Did Jamia know? I had so many questions. I decided to call Jamia and ask her what it all meant and what she told me made me feel depressed.

"It's a boy, Frank. They are both fine. His name is Philip." Jamia answered my questions and I started crying. I became a grandfather just like that and I didn't even know my daughter was pregnant. I then asked Jamia if I could come to the hospital and she told me she'd ask Toni, but wasn't sure she would want me there.

I understood, I betrayed her and thanks to me she had lost a home and her family. But it was one thing not talking to me for months and another thing not telling me about having a baby. I was shaking and if it wasn't for Gerard I would have probably blacked out. He sat me down on a chair and held my hands as he asked what was going on. I couldn't tell him so I just showed him the text message. He exhaled and was quiet for a while, then he looked at me, his expression unreadable.

"Do you think..." He couldn't finish that sentence and honestly, I didn't want him to. I was mad at him, I didn't want to be but he was there and he was the only one I could take out my anger on.

"No." I snapped and pushed past him to find my pack of cigarettes.

"Frank." He tried to stop me but I just slapped his hand away and went to the backyard.

I lit up my cigarette and tried to calm down which was harder than I thought. My knees gave out underneath my weight and I wanted to call Gerard but I couldn't breathe. I just lay on the ground and cried. He came rushing to me, helping me to my feet and it was hard not to notice he was crying too. I looked at him sorrowfully and took his face in my hands.

"I love you, Gerard." I told him and cried with him.

"I love you, Frank." He sobbed and I let him kiss me.

We both have missed her and she suddenly appears back in our lives with a text like that. I was getting by just fine, living the life I had fought so hard for, stepping over obstacles like a dwarf over a river and it might as well have been ruined. It was obvious to all of us who the father was. She would never cheat on Gerard and since they broke up seven months ago it must have been him.

I was afraid I'd lose him over the baby, that he would go back to her because I couldn't give him children obviously and he was already 30, he couldn't wait for much longer. I wanted to be selfish once again. I wanted him to stay, Toni had Jamia, but if he left me, I'd be alone. Divorced, without a family.

She would forgive him easier than she would forgive me. She had loved him and he was the father of her child and even though he betrayed her, it was still one mistake, one that she would get over eventually. I was her father, she looked up to me and I was supposed to be her idol, her guru, yet I let her down. As a parent you don't really keep track of how many times you've let your child down, sometimes you feel like 'this is fine' but unbeknownst to you, it might hurt them and they'll remember and this, I think, was the last straw for her.

Later that day Jamia called me, visibly positively tuned, to tell me Toni said I can come see her. I told Gerard and we both went to the hospital. We both agreed it would be better if he waited in the hall in case Toni didn't want to see him. As soon as I stepped into her room I fell in love with the sight. My daughter was holding a little bundle of joy in her arms smiling like she used to when she was younger, before I hurt her this bad.

"Hi." I announced myself and she looked up. She smiled sadly and tears sprung from her eyes.

"Hi, dad." She nodded at me and told me to come closer. "This is Philip, your grandson." She told me. How one baby could change a woman's feelings towards her father was a mystery to me.

"Hi, Philip." I smiled at the baby and stroked his little hand. "He's so handsome." I commented and Jamia encouraged me to hold him. I was scared, it had been quite some time since I held a baby this young and I didn't want to hurt him, but I did take him into my arms and just like that things were okay again. Except for one little thing.

"He's here too. Can he come in?" I asked Toni and she said yes after a while of thinking. I put Philip back in her arms and went to find Gerard.

"So?" He asked. I told him he could go see them and he squeezed my hand in anticipation. I watched him longingly because I knew I was letting him go for good. He would fall in love with the baby just like I did with Toni when Jamia gave birth to her.

It was more than obvious to me that that baby changed everything for all of us. Jamia left the room to let them have some privacy and she hugged me when she saw me there standing with tears streaming down my face. I hugged her back and sobbed into her shoulder. Now we were both alone.

Just as I suspected, Gerard didn't shut up about the baby. He would constantly look at the photos of him and whenever Toni sent a new one he'd show me and grow soft. I was losing him more and more every day until one day he straight up told me he couldn't be with me because of Philip. I knew that and was ready for the day he decided to leave me, or so I thought.

"It was you who told me I should sleep with her!" He yelled at me when I accused him of getting her pregnant in the first place. "I didn't want to, but you said it would be for the better."

"Can't you think for yourself?" I shot back. I didn't really mean any of the things I said, I was just really sad.

"Fuck you, Frank. I told you I loved you and you knew I'd do anything for you." He pushed my shoulders.

"Then why are you leaving if you love me so much?" I pushed him back. We stared each other in the eyes for a good half a minute before we lunged at each other.

We started ripping the clothes off of each other and kissing sloppily. We collided with furniture and once again ended up on the couch. When I woke up in the morning he was gone and the note on the fridge just said 'sorry' and 'be back for my things'. He came to collect his stuff about a week later and I went with him to the atelier to help him pack his art supplies.

"I don't suppose you want one of these with you." I commented dryly, pointing at our artwork, photos, and drawings combined. He smiled and shook his head. When we put everything in his car I asked him if he wanted to have a coffee with me and he agreed.

That was the last time we had sex. I didn't even really enjoy it. I felt like we had to, like it was the only way to say goodbye properly. It didn't last long and then Gerard got dressed, leaving me half naked on the couch, and left without a word.

I was so depressed after that. I basically tore apart my family to be with him and then I was left with nothing but a big empty house. I wanted to put my feelings into my work and I also had deadlines to meet but I just couldn't do anything for a few months. I missed him so, so much until I just realized he was better off with Toni and moved on eventually.

I didn't have my happy ending with him, but I would never forget him, what he taught me, what he made me feel. He would always be part of my family only differently than I would have thought. 

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haha, 'slowly'
yeah, that was the last chapter :/ 
but don't worry there will be an epilogue :)

be good for santa fellas

-L