Father? (Frerard)

Six - mind games

I didn't fully realize the whole thing until I saw the two reasons why what I did was wrong. It was wrong on so many levels, but I just couldn't help myself while I had the opportunity and while I let it happen. I was so happy in that one week and I hoped it could have been longer than seven days, I wished I could stay in my little fantasy for just a little more time. I wished I had seven months not seven days.

Jamia and Toni went to California which left me alone on my floor and Gerard on the second floor. After we drove them to the airport and waved at them as they were entering the plane we headed back home. I suddenly wasn't so sure what I wanted to do once I was home alone, and the fact that I had that week off, too, wasn't helping me decide what I wanted to do with all my free time. But the answer was sitting right next to me on the way home – Gerard.

Everything was fine until we got home. We picked up some food and decided to watch a soccer game while eating. So we got home, got changed into some sweatpants and sat down on the couch. Our couch was huge, and I mean for at least five to six people to sit next to each other and like eight to ten people to lie next to each other if the couch was pulled out, yet Gerard was sitting right next to me. We weren't touching any parts of our bodies but if I put my hand next to my leg I would be touching his as well – that close he was.

I was okay with that for the most part. There wasn't anything weird about that, he always acted like that around people and my confused feelings were buried very deep in my mind. I didn't pay much attention to him anyway, I was 95% focused on the game we were watching and the other 5% were focused on my food. But then the game ended and as much as I really wanted to enjoy being on my own I really didn't want him to go.

I couldn't remember the last time I was home alone. It was very rare and never for this long. I knew I wouldn't be able to be in the silence. So we cleaned up after the meal and moved to the backyard to have a cigarette and talk about art like we usually did in the evenings. The air was nice, it wasn't cold anymore and the wind was almost non-existent. The sun was just setting and the last rays were touching my skin and I felt fine.

Hours to disaster.

I lit my cigarette while I waited for Gerard to bring his own. I offered him from my pack but he said he recently bought mint ones and that he really wanted to smoke these. When he returned he was also carrying a blanket 'in case it got too cold'. So he sat down heavily an lit his mint cigarette that might have tasted like mint but smelled like cornflakes on fire.

"It's supposed to taste good, the smell is awful either way." He shot at me when I joked about the smell of his cheap-tobacco cigarette. I agreed with him and he started telling me about his work once again. I felt calm and imagined everything he was describing to me. I saw myself as one of his students, listening to his lesson, except I saw my photographs instead of paintings.

Hours after the sun had disappeared behind the horizon we were still sitting in the garden chairs and talking. We weren't smoking anymore and the tiredness was evident in both of our voices. After I promised Gerard that he could take some photos with my camera and then develop them we moved back to him telling me stories about his students. One young man asked him if it was okay to draw genitalia.

The adult movie actress was still posing in Gerard's lessons naked and it so happened that her naked crotch was facing directly this poor boy who seemed to still be a virgin or just 'really fucking shy' as Gerard said. It might have seemed like Gerard was mad at this boy, he seemed like he didn't want to answer his seemingly normal question. But I wasn't an art student so I risked asking and hoped he would answer me.

"I mean, why wouldn't it be okay. The woman was right there, showing her treasure to a complete stranger so it wasn't like she wasn't okay with that. We both know who she is." He said I laughed with him because he had told me all about her. "but it is your choice, it's your drawing so if you wanted to draw a flower instead of her actual vagina then so be it." He looked at me. " I encourage when people let their imagination on the loose."

I nodded, I understood a little why he was cold toward that student. According to Gerard, you are supposed to feel the art in you. It is okay to ask what things to use to achieve your desired masterpiece but it wasn't okay asking how your masterpiece should look. But I also understood his student, he didn't know the model like Gerard (or I) did, he didn't know if it was okay to draw a realistic vagina on paper, what if he was accused of being a perv?

Minutes to disaster.

I listened to Gerard with only one ear because I was thinking about how that poor boy must have felt but my train of thoughts was stopped when he touched my arm. He put his hand on my forearm and stared at the sky. I raked my brain for what the fuck was he saying before and I wasn't sure but it might have been something about imagination.

"Just look at the stars." he looked up to the sky, few stars were visible but the city glow still made it almost impossible to see most of them clearly. "How could people in ancient Greek see a bear in this shit, it is clearly a shopping cart!" he exclaimed and subconsciously moved his hand on my arm. "Or this mouse! How could that be a Leo? Or this? Do you see a muscly dude with a shield? I don't, to be honest, but that's the magic." I was looking at the stars, struggling to remember what he was talking about because I once did know almost all of the constellations but things like that just vanish from your memory.

He stopped talking and I looked at him. His eyes were fixated on his hand that was still touching my arm. He was just breathing and I was too. I didn't dare move but I let him be when he stroked my skin with his soft fingers.

Seconds to disaster.

"Isn't it great what our brain can imagine?" He asked me in low voice. Our chairs were very close, in fact, they were as close as they could be because it did get cold and Gerard put his blanket over both of us. I searched for his eyes in the darkness. Without even realizing it, I had moved my head just mere inches away from his and as he whispered I let myself be lured by his voice that I learned to love so much. He smiled softly and moved his hand lower on my arm stroking the side of my wrist gently. I came back to my senses when he put his other hand on the side of my neck.

"We shouldn't." I warned him but it was aimed more at me than him. He knew exactly was he was doing and he had set his mind on doing it, but I? I wasn't so sure what I wanted. I mean, I knew I wanted him to kiss me, my rapidly beating heart was a proof enough but Jamia and Toni were still at the back of my mind. He sensed that and just shook his head smiled widely.

"Just imagine..." He said and I did. I imagined myself to be single, childless being unbelievably into this dude that was sitting right there, touching my arm and not being held away from him by anything. I didn't have to exactly imagine the being into him part, I was more into him than I could actually imagine.

Boom.

His lips lightly touched my own and the static I felt could supply electricity in this whole town for a month. My stomach jumped and my heartbeat slowed down momentarily, in fact, I could swear I felt my heart stop for a second. I felt the goose bumps appear on my whole body and I wasn't sure if I was really that much into him – more than I thought I could be – or if it was that cold of a night but I didn't care.

I kissed him back. My hand shot up to hold his head in place because at that moment there wasn't anything that I wanted more than to kiss that man until I ran out of breath. The kiss was slow and very timid, but my body felt like someone was shooting fireworks in my chest. Our lips slid smoothly against the others and the tiredness I had felt before was long gone. I was charging with our kiss and I felt like I could go days without sleeping afterward.

He pulled away and I let him. I remember looking at his lips for a long time, hoping that wasn't some sick joke of his and that that wasn't just a one-time thing only. I wanted to kiss him some more and longer. I couldn't really remember how I got to bed though. I must have been really very tired, hell it could have been around three in the morning when we had kissed. But it didn't matter that I didn't remember going to bed or him saying goodnight or why I woke up with my legs on my pillow as long as I remember the best kiss of my life.

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(:
i need more chocolate