Father? (Frerard)

Nine - carpe vitam

Horatius said 'Carpe Diem'.

And we did just that. We enjoyed every day because even though we didn't admit it, the day my wife and my daughter would come back was closer and closer. I've had the longest week of my life with Gerard and the less time we had left alone together the more I was forgetting who we were and what we would have to face once Toni and Jamia returned.

I didn't even realize how happy he was making me until I had to pretend we didn't exist as more than just friends. I was unhappy by my wife's side and I dreaded telling her just how much. I loved her, yes, but she just wasn't like Gerard. She just didn't have what he did – both physically and mentally. And he seemed just okay with what we did together, initiating most of the activities himself and I never thought I'd see him so depressed like I did after the girls returned.

The morning before we had to pick them up was fine. We woke up next to each other on a Saturday morning, refreshed and very very naked. We took a shower together and then had a breakfast. We went for a walk, just talking about art and music like always and then we returned home to make lunch. We didn't even get to the kitchen before we were both naked and so we changed our direction and went for the couch instead.

During that week we didn't have sex. It was still too early for both of us and our female lovers were still at the back of our minds despite pushing them as far as we could. We always just did stuff - touching, occasionally using mouth and not only for kissing. I loved having his hands on my skin and his lips on mine. He was so much rougher compared to my wife and I never really realized how much I would enjoy having a man touch me before but like I said, that week has changed me so much.

Maybe if we didn't have Toni so young, I would have realized that that wasn't me – a husband to a woman. But I was stupid and young and the baby's life was more important than my own happiness. Which I didn't realize I seriously lacked. I always considered myself a lucky man. I was content with my life but then I met Gerard.

He made me realize that I was never happy in the first place. I could have done photography but I couldn't because of my family. I could have gone to the college I had always wanted to but I had a daughter that I had to feed. I could have had the best sexual experiences of my life but I had a submissive wife. Maybe all the happiness I felt was just coming from the change in sexual partners but Gerard truly made me feel more free, happier and the weight that I felt all the time was gone when I was with him.

Call it love or just infatuation – I wanted to have him and be with him in every way possible. I was sick of my old life. Just one week with him made me want to quit my job and leave my wife. But I knew I couldn't because of one blob of skin and bones that was handed to me 20 years ago. Toni was reason number one why I couldn't just say 'fuck it' and abandon the only things I have known these past years.

That day we stayed on the couch, just cuddling and talking occasionally. We could stay silent for hours and still be content in each other's arms. Most of the week we just made art anyway. He showed me different painting and drawing techniques, I helped him develop and edit some photos and then we smoked together, making art in the form of smoke.

The sky seemed to be our most favorite thing to discuss. We would stay out late for hours just looking at the stars and talking about the universe and all of the unknown that it contains. Another thing that made me realize we should enjoy what we have right here, right now.

"Just think about all the people who watched the same stars we do. Cleopatra, Caesar, Pythagoras, Goethe, Hitler, Kennedy, and the list goes on and on. What were they thinking? Did Cleopatra look at the stars before she decided to die by snake bite? It might have also been the last thing Pythagoras saw before he died of starvation." Gerard breathed out along with the smoke that was held in his lungs for a minute too long.

"Isn't it crazy how the sky didn't change for the past x thousand years, people we learn about saw it, and yet we don't know if what we think we know really did happen or not. The sky is the only witness that knows exactly how people died, who was born and who did what but we will just never know." He shrugged his shoulders sadly and finished off his cigarette.

"Carpe diem, but no one ever mentions the carpe noctem, right?" I said and smiled softly while looking at him. He smiled widely, proud to see me talk like him finally because I've had that in me my whole life, he was just the only one who could bring it out because he listened and he understood.

"Exactly." Gerard grinned widely and no other words had to be exchanged to understand. We just connected on so many levels I was worried we might share a mind one day. If we did, I would know how much he hated the drive to the airport and how much he feared to meet Toni. I was also very anxious, but I had him by my side and that put my mind at ease just enough to act like everything was the same as before.

Toni wasn't stupid, she was my daughter after all, but again, it took me 38 years to find myself. The whole airport meeting was just weird. Me and Jamia, it was fine, she just pecked my lips and we hugged which was our usual after not having seen each other for a few days, but Toni and Gerard? They were young, they were supposed to have a spark between them, passionate about everything they did. Toni went for an open-mouthed kiss right away and I had to look away momentarily, feeling sick because I had just kissed those same lips the night before.

Gerard freaked out. He stiffened and even Jamia realized something was off, she just didn't pay much attention to it, thinking it was something between Toni and Gerard only. Toni pulled away to search Gerard's eyes, but his love for her was still there, so she shrugged it off and after hugging him we all drove away. The girls were hungry so we stopped in a fast food restaurant on the way.

I was jealous, and I had to try really hard not to look at my daughter and her boyfriend holding hands but the flashbacks of the past week were attacking me full force everytime I so much as glanced Gerard's way. When the girls went to the toilet before we left me and Gerard touched fingers under the table and assured each other that everything will be alright and that we'll make it. We had to be strong.

At home, we all went our ways. It felt weird not having Gerard downstairs but Jamia was a big enough reminder why that was and that I had to be her husband again. It was obvious she wanted to sleep with me, but I just said I was really tired and had to be ready for work the next day so she just smiled and we went to sleep with our backs to each other.

I felt bad once everything was quiet and allowed me to think about everything. Jamia and I were trying to save our marriage just a few months before and now I had cheated on her multiple times. What was worse than avoiding Jamia though, was seeing my girl's face. If only she knew what her beloved father had done to her – would she still love me? Would she forgive me? What if she never wanted to see me again?

So I was torn. Should I come clean and tell Jamia I wanted a divorce and should I stay in the role of the man that everyone wanted me to be? But there was also Gerard, I had to let him decide for himself too. What if he didn't want to tell Toni at all? What if he wanted to keep that a secret between us and never speak of it again?

The following months were agonizing and I was surprised we all made it out okay, but it was such an emotional journey – one that I didn't want to undergo ever again. Not the way it went anyway.