Smoke my dope

Broken

Life without Jah seamed boring, it seamed kinda pointless. I had been feeling this way since the day he passed and i don't think ill ever beable to come to terms with him being gone. Everyone keeps telling me its only been 2 weeks that its still fresh but times only making it harder.

Everyone has been stuck in this little bubble lately. Gazzys back on tour, Dannys still in Europe, Kerr and Brian had been practicly living in Brians dorm since he just moved in.

I was staying in my house alone, Danny was begging me to go with Sara to the last few days of his tour but i couldnt bring myself to leave.

The only time i left was when Yachty came to take me to Jahs memorial. I broke down at it when i saw his body lying there in the casket. He looked just like Jah, i was waiting for him to just get up and walk around telling everyone this was some sick joke.

Stokeley had been checking in on me alot. He kept telling me how he felt like he had let Jahseh down due to the end of his life their relationship wasnt exactly the strongest.

I just kept telling him that Jah loved him and that they were both the strongest bond ever. It was so fucked up for Stokeley. I felt so bad for him because he was only around Jah whenever they were both with me or at an event/party. I felt so bad for him because he feels like everyone is saying he has no right to be this upset but of course he has a right.

###

My door was being knocked repetedly. It had been going for 15 minuets and it was showing no signs of stopping. I rolled my eyes and pushed myself out of bed.

I trudged down the stairs, hoping i could get rid of whoever it was as soon as posible. I didnt wanna be neer anyone. I rubbed my eyes cleaning away the tears that still lingered on my skin. I swung the door open to see Gazzy standing with a box of chocolates and flowers.

My heart melted. I flung myself into his arms as he wrapped his arms around me. "I miss you Alzen" he said. I just clung onto him.

"Come on lets go inside" he said carrying me in. He put the gifts on the table ao he could hug me properly. He leaned in and kissed me. Kissing Gazzy was weird now that he has got his braces off, it left like there was something missing. His perfect white teeth made me smile.

"You look handsom" i said he was wearing a gucci dress shirt with all the bottons down. It was summer and the LA heat wasnt no joke. He had tracksuit bottoms on and some gucci slides.

"Cant say the same for you babe, you scared me" he said frowning.

"Im sorry" i said.

"Your phones been off for hours. I tried calling you" Gazzy told me, fixing my hair so it say behind my ear.

"I know, im avoiding people" i mumbled.

"Look anyway, i wanna take you to dinner" he told me. I looked at him.

"Like a date?" I asked.

"Yes like a date, come on, go put something nice on bebe" i sighed.

"Can we just stay in?" I requested. I didnt feel like going out.

"Zen its been weeks since you left the house. X wouldnt have wanted this. Come out with me, please" he begged. I sighed and nodded as i went to my room. I had to have a shower first.

Gazzy sat on my bed while i went to get ready.

###

We were on our way so Gazzy could drop me off before going home. He was angry with me. I know hes going to say everythings alright, but it wasnt. He was angry. I tried to take his hand as he speeded through The LA streets but he pulled it away. I tried not to cry considering that was the reason we had to leave dinner early but the tears fell anyway.

He pulled up to my house and cut the car. "Gazzy im so sorry abour tonight" i said wiping tears. God. I really was a pussy.

"Its fine Alzen just go home and rest" he said leaning over me and opening the door.

"Come with me" i said. He sighed and leaned his head on the back of the Lambo seat. He looked to the side at me, the look was laced with hate.

"Please Gazzy. I need someone to be there" i whispered. He sighed and got out the car.

We both walked inside and got out of the dress clothes. Gazzy has spare set here because of all the times he had slept over. He came to the room and lay on the bed. I crawled in beside him but we didnt touch.

"Do you hate me?" I asked, my voice cracking as i asked. 

"I dont hate you" he told me pulling me into his side. "I just dont know how to help you and its killing me. I hate seeing you like this baby" he said holding my hand.

"I dont think you can help me" i said to him. He leaned down and kissed me. The taste of him on my lips making me deepen it quickly. I missed the longing i had for Gazzy.

I remember Jah telling me that me and Gazzy were gonna be the couple that stayed together. He told me to never let Gazzy go and as long as Gazzy respects me and treats me right i will never ever let this man go.

People saw him as this kid that was stupid and rude kid but he isnt. Hes sweet and kind and when you get him to let his guard down hes a smart, funny, welcoming person. He just wouldnt want the world to know that.

I love Gazzy. I do, i just always feel like he could do better. Ive seen some of the woman Gazzy has slept with and trust me. Im nothing to them. I felt like i was holding Gazzy back from living his life. Something ive been noticing for a while. I was asking myself,as we kissed, if i was ruining his life by still holding on to him.

###

A/N: GUYS i started a new book called heartbreak hotel, irs a smokepump story ,also this book is growing so fast. Thanks for reading and voting.