Smoke my dope

time and space.

Gazzy grunted as he pushed into me, using his hand to cover my mouth so that the guests didnt hear me. His leangth pushing against every part of me making my while body shake. One thing about Gazzy, he knew what he was doing in the bedroom. He knew how to please a woman.

He gripped onto my hip as i pushed myself on to him. Tears spilling from my eyes at how good it felt. Gazzy removed his hand and smashed his lips against me, making my whole body tingle, i let the pleasure take over my body. His high coming tight after mine. He lay for a second before rolling over.

Its funny, me and gazzy had been together almost 7 months. I love him, with everything i have, i could never let anyone in my heart like Gazzy is. We just had amazing sex, his brother, mother and his friends from home were all in town for a while visiting. Yet as soon as Gazzy had pleasured me the awkwardness came back into the room, the same feeling that lead us to sex.

Gazzy knew i was unhappy, he knew both of us were struggling with demons, and so as our mental health slowly declined, so did our relationship. I could tell Gazzy was cheating, the late nights in the studios and the videos emerging showed me he was cheating.

The pictures he was posting and taking down as soon as i liked them, of woman in little to no clothes. The live videos purp would make where Gazzy is in the background with woman on his lap or worse, him clearly getting pleasure from other woman that wpuld end as soon as Purp noticed.

I knew he was struggling with Jahs death, just like we all were, but he was drinking more and taking more drugs, sleeping around again, getting calls late at night by unknown numbers and the worst thing about it was that the whole world saw me unhappy and automaticly blamed Gazzy.

After i knew Gazzy was sleeping i got dressed and headed to the car. I got in and drove to the only place i knew i would be welcomed.

The studio.

I went in and flipped everything on, soon Kerr arived after i text her. As soon as i saw her i broke down.

"Jesus Zen,whats wrong with you" she asked as she rubbed my back.

"Kerr i cant do this anymore" i said into her shoulder. "I cant stay with him" i cried even harder.

"Alzen, you and Gazzy are going through something very difficult, for both of you. But you guys need to work through this. You need to tell Gaz how yuou feel" she told me. Kerr always knew the right thing to say.

"Hes cheating" i mumbled. "And the whole world sees him doing it" i cried again.

"A'ite so tell him how it's making you feel Zen, youre a strong girl, if he doesn't understand what you have to say then you leave." Kerr told me.

"I already tried Kerr. Were stuck in a relationship neither of him want. I love him so fucking much and i dont know why i cant bring myself to be with him" i spoke slowly.

"I cabt answer that question Zen, but if you love him, isnt it worth sticking around for?" She asked.

"My mom told me once, no matter how much you love a man, you cant force him to love you back" i told her.

"And my mom told me that just because a man cheats doesnt always mean he doesnt love you,sometimes it mean he doesnt want you to see how he really feels"

"I think we need the space" i whispered. "Im gonna stay here and work. You finna stay too" i asked. Kerr nodded knowing i needed someone to help me tonight.

I fixed everything up, Kerr sitting on the sound board and i played the beat i was working on. Juice helped me make it. It was a slow soul beat. Like the one Beyonce covered by Etta James but in a hip hop way.

I didn't sing well. But i sang this.

###

Gazzys song

Choris,

You got to love me,
The way i love you,
Can you please hold me,
As we make it through,
Please do not tell me,
Its over for us babe,
Ill be calling, every night for you

V1.

Usually im stong, i put it in a bottle,
Usually i try, so my pride i gotta swallow,
Coz i been calling, but it aint getting through,
How many more times can i cry over you,
Im sorry baby boy but its how i feel,
And if love was magic id keep our bottle sealed,
Sometimes peoole need space to heal,
And i thpught together we couldmake a deal,
But lately we been slipping,
I notice all the lean you be sipping,
I even notice how late you try and slip in,
Im talking 4am, with perfume on ya scent,
And when i try and ask questions you say your innocent,
But i know how often that you been stying out,
And i saw that video of the hoe you fucked at rolling loud,
And if only that one person we loved was around,
Maybe then we would be happy but we aint making him proud,
I cant help but feel like were letting him down,
If only we could talk maybe work things out.

Chorus

V2.

We're still together but lately we been distant,
You say theres nothing wrong, you been insisting,
But im unhappy, and its not on you,
Im sorry but I'm stressed and its all on you,
Its been hard to have a first love,
Thats something i knew,
Maybe we should call it quits,
Coz this shits/ hit the fan,
We used to be in love but now it's just bland.
We both got out issues and we both need a hand,
Ill never love anyone, like i loved you,
Ill never love another man, the way i do you,
But were broken and were trashed,
Our love has been smashed,
And i cry myself to sleep when you come home trashed,
So im hanging us up,
But only for now,
Maybe space is what we need,
Its whats best somehow.

Chorus x2

(*phone call recording*

"Hay baby, i miss you"

"I miss you too gazzy, come home please"

"A couple more days and im all yours"

"Promise me"

"Would to lie to you babita?"

"Never"

...song ends... )

###

I cried as me and Kerr listened to the finished song, it took me 7 hours. I hugged her as it downloaded it to my phone.

"Are you sure about this Zen. Its a big desition to make" Kerr said.

Everything was ready, Kerr went home and packed me a bag, my brothers privet jet was waiting for me. With everything me and Gazzy have faced in the past few months i thought i would want to do this face to face. Instead I was a cowered. I could never leave Gazzy while looking into his eyes. He was what i was week for.

But i needed to better myself before i could move on and be 100% happy with another person.

I uploaded the song to soundcloud and posted on my instagram story anouncing the song. I took Kerrs hand as we went to drive to the airport, i cried the whole way their. I knew this is whats beat for both of us.

I left a voicemail on Gazzys phone.

"I know you're probably really confused right now, and want answers, i need space right now. Just know i love you Gazzy, i always have and always will, please dont call, or come looking for me. Ill come back when i can figure out why im so confused lately. I love you"

Time to go home Alzen. Be strong.