Changes

Cecilia's pov

Cecilia scribbled the goodbye note for her and Ashen and left it on the table for Rory to find. Ashen tried to speak to her but she shoved him aside and left the house. Due to her lack of a driver's license, Cecilia usually biked to Rory's house, but since she'd brought coffee yesterday she had decided to walk, which meant walking was her only way home today. Knowing if Ashen caught up he would insist on giving her a ride, Cecilia broke out into a run and didn't stop until she had cut through Rory's neighbor's backyards and was sure Ashen wouldn't find her.

The note she had written said she was going home, but she knew she wouldn't follow through with that for another couple of hours. Why am I so upset?, Cecilia asked herself, I know it's irrational to think I can fix everything.

Cecilia walked until she reached the river and the bridge that overlooked it. Climbing over the railing, she thought of Rory's tree- of course she knew about his tree, she knew everything about that boy, even when he didn't know it himself - and smiled with the thought that this bridge to her was kinda like that tree to Rory. However, her smile soon faded as she thought about Rory passed out in his bedroom. It isn't my fault, she reminded herself, I didn't do anything, and just because I can't fix it doesn't make it my fault. The reminders didn't do anything to console her arising panic, so she stared at the water below her and imagined the freefall it would take to reach those beautiful waves.

She had signed the note from Ashen as well. Why had she done that? She knew he'd be back in the next few hours to check on Rory - or he'd at least facetime or call him. He was

Cecilia began to cry. She hated to cry. It made her feel so vulnerable and small. It made Ashen panic and Rory always seemed so annoyed when she cried, so she tried her hardest to be strong, but knowing she was alone, she didn't hold back the sobs. I'm useless. I'm worthless. I'm better off dead and out of the way. She could feel her blood roaring in the veins in her wrists. She could feel it vividly, as she always did when she broke down. Frantically looking around her for something sharp, something to let the screaming blood out, Cecilia started to cry harder, shaking so badly she could barely balance on the railing.

She closed her eyes. Why can't I be a better friend? Why can't I be a less needy person? Maybe if she wasn't always so focused on herself she could help Rory like Ashen always could. Maybe if she wasn't so needy and emotionally unstable then Rory would finally choose her. Maybe if she was bigger or stronger. Maybe if she was prettier or funnier. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

No.

Even if I change.

Even if I change everything about me.

I will never.

Ever.

Be good enough.

Cecilia screamed as she opened her eyes to find herself falling. She whipped around and grabbed the railing right before she plunged into open air. All thoughts of Rory and Ashen gone, she struggled to keep a grip on the bridge. Come on, come on, come on. She urged her muscles to tighten and contract, lifting herself back up and over the railing. Damn, those weights really do help, she thought, before realizing what had just happened. She dropped to the ground, and leaning on the inside of the railing, she broke apart all over again. She imagined her tears running down the bridge and joining the water below. Washed away. Forgotten. Pure once more.

One day, I'll join it too.

always there. He was always comforting Rory better than she ever could. They'd fool around and talk and probably screw and then everything would be okay again. And I'll still be alone on this bridge. And no one will even notice.