Changes

Chapter 8

Day four after breakup:

Hello journal. I feel like shit. My head has been pounding all day and nothing will make it stop. I tried taking a hot relaxing bath, meditation, and pain killers and I still feel like death. I know I have chronic pain but like why? They say it's caused by stress but I'm not feeling particularly stressed. At least I wasn't stressed but now I kinda am cause of the pain. I'm also in a lot of emotional pain because of Ash.

I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him. He probably doesn't. Why would he? I wouldn't miss me either. Maybe one day I'll be able to fix myself and then someone will be able to miss me. That should be my goal. No more thinking about Ashen I need to think about myself. Maybe I'll listen to some music and take a bath. I can catch up on reading to. I hear a Harry Potter book calling my name. I can do this. I'll be okay. Yeah, I'll be okay.

****

Alright lets find some bops. I open my laptop and log into my personal account. I hate the stupid username that 11 year old me created. Tmr_4life is so dorky. I would make a new account but I don't want to redo my playlists. I have playlists for every mood though most are ones I did not create. Lets see here..... We got Rory's bops, Colby's turnt playlist, Qp's tunes, sad boi bops, ThatMood, and more. I don't know why some of my playlists have names that aren't mine but I'm not going to think about it. I'm a bit scared of the answer but I'm playing Colby's turnt playlist anyway.

"You sound like a bitch, bitch...." ah of course Killshot by Eminem plays first. I don't know why I've felt compelled to listen to this so often but all I know is I start to feel really weird when I listen to it. I set spotify on shuffle before putting my phone down. I jump onto my bed as I start screaming along to the song. I truly do love dancing like nobody is watching. It's freeing and always makes my mood better.

BUZZ......... BUZZ.....

Awe I only got through a few of my songs. It didn't even feel like I was the one dancing. I walk to my desk to check my phone. Oh..... it's a text from Bean. I feel like it's been ages since we've talked. "Hey what's up?"

"Nothing much. How're you?" is that a chill enough text?

"I'm alright. You free tomorrow?" Omg did they seriously ask that?

"Uh yeah why?"

"You're hanging out with me. That cool?" A wave of excitement washed over me followed by a full on tidal wave of anxiety.

"Yeah that's cool."

"Chill I'll text you later."

":)" Oh my god..... Is this actually happening? Why now do they want to hang out? Why with me? I am screwed.