Changes

Chapter 4

A week had gone by and I was doing a bestie weekend with Cecilia. We were just chilling, eating some popcorn and watching Greys Anatomy. "Hey Rory I have an idea." Cecilia said nervously.

"Spill!" Cecilia always had great ideas.

"Wanna make a tinder profile for me?"

"OMG YASSSSSS" I love making fake tinders. Cecilia pulled out her phone and downloaded the app. She handed me her phone and I asked her questions and made her account. "Looking for males, females, or both?" I asked already moving my finger to the male button.

"Both." she mumbled.

"Wait, you're bi? Babe why didn't you tell me? I'm your best friend and I supports the heck out of you!"

"I'm so sorry....I've just had a hard time accepting myself." she looked relieved now that she told me but there was still a hint of nervousness. I hugged her tightly, remembering how it felt when I first came out as pan.

"I love you and I'm so proud of you for telling me." I could tell she was about to cry.

"Thank you Rory." I let go of her and pressed the both option. I went through her camera roll and picked out the best pictures of her. It was hard because she was pure perfection and never took a bad photo. I finished with her profile and we started looking for matches. After twenty minutes of laughing and looking at other people's profiles a familiar face face popped up. I stared at it for a minute, unable to process what I was seeing. I look at the name...... Ashen Locke.

"Does he still use it?" I felt all of my worries resurface.

" I made a fake account using pictures of Brianna Avery and found it. I texted him and he responded. Rory I am so so so sorry." I know realized her true reason for making the account. Coming out was only a small part of it. My whole world crashed around me and I was sitting in what seemed to be a dark box. I knew this dark place very well. I watched as the little me in the dark collapsed on the ground. "HOW COULD YOUUUUUU!" the little me screamed at what I thought was nothing.

"I'm so sorry baby," Ashen appeared at one side of the dark box "Let me explain." I let out an ear piercing scream. As I did so Ashen disintegrated but his voice remained there. It was almost like there were multiple of him because his sentences overlapped each other. Rory knew it was just the voices in his head disguised as Ashen.

"I never loved you."

"You were never important to me."

"The past six months meant nothing to me."

"I slept with eight other girls while I was with you."

"I don't care and I never have."

Many terrible sentences bounced around in the dark but suddenly everything changed.

"I love you."

"I'm so sorry Ro."

"Please forgive me."

"I didn't hook up with anyone I swear."

"Please don't leave me."

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

Little me ripped at his ears and screamed in pain. It hurt to watch myself suffer. I couldn't control it. I just witnessed and sometimes screamed or started kicking and hitting randomly when these dreams went on. I watched myself sob. I can't believe this. I thought he loved me. What did I do wrong? Why am I not good enough? Why am I such a fuck up? I never deserved love. I'm gonna be alone for eternity.

All of the sudden I was back in the real world. I was screaming and crying and Cecilia just stared blankly not knowing what to do. I continued screaming because I also didn't know what to do. Cecilia suddenly grabbed me and hugged me tightly. I stopped screaming and just cried into her chest. How could he? I thought he cared about me. I love him so damn much. How could he do this to me? "Call him." I said calmly which surprised Cecilia.

"You sure? I don't think-"

"Just call him please."

"Okay Ro." Cecilia picked up her phone and dialed his number. I grabbed the phone from her as it started ringing, told him to come over as soon as answered, and hung up. I didn't quite know what I wanted to say to him. I stopped crying and stood up and punched a hole in my wall. There were about five other holes covered by posters in my room. Cecilia was back in her state of confusion. She just stared at me as I paced back and forth planning out different conversations in my head. I was so angry and hurt that I didn't realize how hard I was biting the insides of my cheeks until my mouth started filling with blood. "Rory?" Cecilia sounded scared and I knew I had to calm down and talk to her.

"I'm sorry C. I'm just so confused, hurt, and angry."

"I am so sorry for telling you. I should have just confronted him and made sure he deleted it so you wouldn't get hurt."

"Stop it C. I'm so glad you told me. You did the right thing." I suddenly felt nothing. I hate feeling nothing. I always end up hurting Cecilia and I hate it.

"I-I-I did?"

"Of course. Now can we just cuddle and watch Moana until Ashen gets here?" I didn't want to talk and say something I shouldn't have. Without answering Cecilia turned on the tv and went to netflix. She went into the profile titled Ro and had the angry chicken picture.She turned Moana on and layed back. I layed back too, resting my head on her shoulder as she wrapped her arms around me. I fell asleep within minutes.

"Rory?" I woke up crying as it finally hit me that I have to talk to Ashen. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. "What's wrong Ro?"

"Phone." I mumbled as I looked at Cecilia. She pulled it out of her pocket and handed it to me. I typed in the password and opened tinder, showing Ashen his profile.

"I haven't used that since we started dating,"

"Bullshit you were texting "Brianna Avery" a.k.a me not long ago." Cecilia half screamed at him.

"SHIT! Ro I swear I can explain."

"Go ahead then." my anger was returning. Boiling up inside me.

"Okay. First of all when I said I hadn't used it since we started dating I wasn't technically lying. I stopped using it and forgot I had it. The other day when I went to delete my account I saw I had some messages. I opened up the newest one and thought I was talking to Brianna Avery. I never had any interest in her. I only responded as a joke and you know me I have a very flirty personality." That was true. He unintentionally flirts with everyone. It was just his personality. "I swear I never wanted to do anything with her and I deleted the app right after. I'm sorry Rory."

" I believe you." Cecilia gasped and Ash looked shocked. "But I still think we need some time apart." It hurt me to say it. I still love him. I don't want to be away from him but I don't think I could be with him right now.

"Are we breaking up?" the look on his face was breaking my heart.

"For now yes. I need some time to myself." tears rolled down my face as I said this. I felt a million knives stab into my chest. I could tell I'd barely last a week without him.

"Okay. I'm so sorry. I'll talk to you soon?"

"I need at least a week."

"Okay. Well, goodbye I guess." Ashen turned and walk into the hallway, closing the door behind him. I was already regretting everything. I dropped to the floor sobbing. If cecilia wasn't here I know I would have grabbed a knife from my kitchen. I would be marking my body. Telling myself I deserved it because I could not be good enough for Ashen. I would tell myself it's what he and everyone else wanted. But instead I just cried on the floor with Cecilia sitting quietly next to me. I could faintly hear Moana playing in the background.