Changes

Chapter 12

I'm surrounded by people. There are seven people in a circle talking. Everything else is black like we're surrounded by nothing. I've never seen these people before. One does look a lot like me though. She's like me but as a four year old. Who the fuck are these people? Where am I? Why are they talking about a plan?

I open my eyes to a very bright light. I'm still on the bathroom floor but it's a lot messier. I get up and wipe my arms and legs to get rid of the red substance that was all over. I cleaned up the floor to make sure there was no staining. I know why the substance is there but right now nothing feels real.

Suddenly it hits me. My ex cheated on me with my best friend. The person I tried my hardest to please, who I loved with my whole body, wanted my best friend. I love him. I love her. They were my fucking family and now I'm all alone. I've lost the only things I had in my life.

I sit down on the floor again. My head rests against the light blue walls that surround my bathroom. I have a beach theme and normally I don't like it but at moments like this it makes me think maybe someday I'll be on a beach. Maybe some day I'll be okay but that day is not today. I can feel tears running down my face but I don't have enough energy to full on cry.

My anxiety hit me hard enough to knock the wind out of me. Schools starts soon. I have supplies but it's not organized. I continue sitting but the idea of not having it organized makes my skin crawl. It makes me feel so gross. I don't want to do what I always do but I feel like if I don't organize I'll die. I pull myself to my feet and run to my room. I throw my new backpack onto my bed and surrounded with the supplies I had boughten earlier. My first hour is spanish 2 so I need one three ring binder, a black notebook, and a black folder. I gather those things and put them in the bag.

Second hour- Advanced English: purple notebook and folder.

Third hour- Geography: red folder and red notebook.

Fourth hour- Algebra: blue notebook and folder, calculator, and grid paper.

Fifth hour- Physics: three ring binder and yellow notebook and folder.

There's only five hours at the high school because the first three are 45 minutes long and the last two are an hour and a half. This way I get math and Physics done in only half a year which is equally good and bad. I also fill up my pencil make with blue mechanical pencils, an assortment of gel pencils, and some sharpies. The second biggest pocket will hold my lunch or other things I bring to school. The first small pocket will hold my gum, wallet, and other important objects. The second one will hold all my chargers and earbuds. And the last one will hold emergency items like tissues and headache medicine.

Lastly my laptop will go in the big pouch in the first pocket but I don't have to worry about that for now. I put the rest of my stuff back where all my studying stuff is kept and I put my backpack on the floor next to my bed. Being organized is a relief but it makes all my anxiety about going to high school spike. What if I miss the bus? What if I get lost? What if my teachers are mean? What if I'm surrounded by bullies again? What if I still can't make or keep friends? I'm going in there with nothing.