Changes

Chapter 6

Day two after breakup:

Dear journal, I wish I was dead. I don't want to be here anymore. Ash has been there for me for so long and I've become dependent. I can't even depend on Cecilia because it feels weird talking to her. I've spent all day in bed crying. My dad tried to make me go outside but I told him I was throwing up. I feel like complete shit. I crave physical pain. I can picture cool metal slicing through my skin and the red blood that comes after the cut was made. If I could get up I would mark my entire body up. The only reason I'm writing this is because I can type it into my phone and I need a way to get my feelings out.

I know Cecilia would hate me if I killed myself but I want this all to end. You may think I'm overreacting considering it has only been two days since the break up. I just feel like I lost everything. Why am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? Why? What makes me so unloveable? Why am I here? Why am I not dead yet? Why was I born? Please someone end me.

****

I put my phone down, tears streaming down my face. It hurts. It hurts so badly. I wish everything would end. I curl up into a tight ball and pull my covers over me. I could hear his voice. He's haunting me. I can hear him tell me not to do it. I hear the promise I made saying I wouldn't and began to sob. Why did I make that promise? I wish I had never been stupid enough to make that promise. I sobbed myself slowly to sleep, darkness taking over with each tear.

I was in my bedroom. He was in my bedroom. I looked at him and saw he wasn't looking back in the same loving way. His eyes were icy and his face was serious. He stepped towards me and I could feel myself coward before him. Black started to replace my room until it surrounded us. He began screaming at me and each word felt like it was a fist pounding into me. He kept screaming until I was so beat up I thought I was gonna die. I couldn't scream back. The only thing that I could get out was a soft "I deserve it" with every few hits. I did deserve it.

All of the sudden It was all gone. I was outside an ice cream shop. I looked around until I spotted Cecilia and Ash. They were sitting at a table sharing a bowl of chocolate ice cream. The way he looked at her was off. He looked at her like he looked at me. But it still wasn't quite right. You could really see the love in his eyes. He loved her. He loved Cecilia. Everything started to put itself together. He really didn't love me. Everything started spinning again and soon I was awake again. I sat up quickly.

She's the girl he went out with.