Changes

Chapter 11

I felt the warmth surround me. It felt so nice and comforting. I don't want to move, body please don't move. I couldn't hold it any longer though and I was forced to leave the warmth. Who decided beds would be so warm and comfortable? I don't even remember falling asleep last night. Last thing I remember was going for a bike ride with Bean. Why don't I remember anything else?

I walk over to the sink to splash some water on my face and get my shit together. What happened? Why do I sometimes forget what I did? Sometimes my memory is so good I can remember exactly what you said six months ago and sometimes I can barely remember my name. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I quickly get distracted by instagram and forget my worries. All my favorite mental health influencers posted and it fills me with warmth. I read every caption before putting my phone down. Pulling on a pair of boxers, my favorite shorts, and a sweatshirt I head out of the house. It's a decently cool morning meaning fall isn't too far away. Wtf is school gonna look like this year?

"Rory?.......Hey." His voice sounds anxious.

"I-" I don't know what to say to him. He hurt me but I love him.

"I know you wanted a break and I'll leave if you need more time, I just really miss you."

"Hi Ash. Have you talked to Cecilia?"

"I... uh.... Yeah. I told her I was coming over." He looked even more nervous now, like her name scared him. I look closer at him to try and figure out what else was off about him. I soon regret this when I see his neck.

"So did she leave that hickey?"

"What-" his hand went straight to his neck to cover it up "no no no that is not what it looks like.

"Don't lie to me." I can feel the tears coming but I try and hold them back.

"I'm so sorry Ro I promise I didn't want it to happen like this!"

"Oh so you did want it to happen?"

"Well- yeah," he sighed " I love you Ro but for some reason Cecilia attracts me."

"For one don't you dare say you love me. For two I'm guessing she likes you back." As if on cue Cecilia shows up from around the corner. At this point the tears are streaming down my face as I stare at him.

"You told him didn't you? Ro I'm so sorry, I didn't want this to happen. You're my best friend and I never wanted to hurt you."

"I thought you two were my best friends."

"Ro, you are my best friend!" Cecilia joined in on the crying now.

"Don't. A best friend wouldn't hook up with my ex. A best friend wouldn't go behind my back. A best friend would not hurt me like this."

"Please, Ro. Please give me another chance. I love you and I'm so sorry. I want to make this right." For a minute I wanted to forgive him. To just hug him and let this go. But then I remembered that if I did then I'd probably have to go through this again and I can't do that.

"I don't think either of you could fix this. Go be happy together. I'd rather be alone than be around two people I can't trust." I turn away and walk back towards my house. The turns are burning hot now. A mix of anger, sadness, and disappointment controls me. My legs feel like jello and I'm surprised I haven't fallen yet.

I run into my bathroom and collapse onto the floor. Why? What did I do to deserve this? Why am I such a fuck up? I deserve this, I never do anything good enough. I shouldn't have even tried to be around people because all I ever do is ruin things and make people unhappy. I deserve pain. I grab a pair of scissors out of a drawer. I deserve to watch my blood leave my body, I don't deserve blood.