A Better Best Friend

26

Jack POV:

I can't be mad at Lys or Finn, they've always been there for me and they've never done anything wrong. I have though...lots of times. I've never really been good to anyone and I know that. I don't know why i wanted to date Lys so much, I guess maybe I thought it would help me feel more, because to be honest ever since that concussion I've barely felt anything. It's really hard to use facial expressions in time I know they should be used even if there's no emotion behind it, but if I didn't I doubt it would matter. I'm sure no one would ask because no one really cares and maybe i'm okay with that. It doesn't really matter what i'm okay with because i'll still find a way to ruin it in the end. Elyssa and I were great, she was everything I could've asked for just like she'd always been. We were happy, well she was happy I wasn't anything really, but like I said before I was okay with that and then I took things a little too far and ruined it. Finn is the best friend I've ever had, I told him more stuff than I told Lys, she doesn't know that and I don't thunk he knows either, but that doesn't really matter. If I could take it all back I would, and I'd just lay down and die in the rain, but instead i'm warm in this blanket, in the dark, with not a single emotion in my body. I don't even know if anyone is home, no one came and checked when I walked through the door. Nobody cared where I was or if I made it home. If i was out cold in someones front yard right now nobody would notice until morning. Maybe I should give myself another concussion just to see if it'll help me, never mind. Knowing myself i'd probably just ended hitting myself too hard and end up dying. Why do I keep thinking about dying? Do I care about dying? Or I guess would I care in the moment? Probably not, it's not like i'd be sad in the situation. I can't help but wonder how it'll happen though, most people probably don't think about it that much, they just live their lives each and every day until it happens, maybe the occasional thought runs through their mind, but I doubt anyone obsess over if, at least most people don't. Do feelings and emotions really matter? Or does it just help people get through the day? I guess that doesn't matter anyway.I want to meet somebody who feels the way I do to see what they think about it, and to see what they do to try and feel. I always try to get reactions out of people, but that doesn't really do anything for me, music doesn't either. I'm almost at the point now where i'm deliberately trying to make myself sad just to try and feel something. Maybe that's what happened tonight and I just didn't know it. I don't even know whats in my head at this point. Imagine spending days creating a painting that you're so proud of and you can't believe you made something like that with your own hands, and then taking your hands and just wiping them across the painting and ruining it on purpose just because you felt like it. That's what my life is right now. I can't even cry out for help or try to fix it because I don't think anybody will care, even though I bet somebody would care. I don't know maybe I should just go to sleep. Yeah I think I will go to sleep.

Note-Idk about you but I literally put my everything into this chapter its like I put everything thats in my heart on a page, only in the form of Jack. And now after admitting all of this my heart hurts more. Thanks for reading guys, and if you're ever feeling upset like this, send me a DM or try to get some help because somebody out there loves you.