Liar // ChanBaek [UAU I]

XVIII / An Open Letter From Byun Baekhyun

WARNINGS: Alcohol and drug use mentions; mentions of vehicular collisions; implied sexual references

Dear Everyone and No One;

If my life were a movie, this would be the part where we catch up with the freeze frame and record scratch from the first few minutes of it, the question of 'Yep. This is me. You're probably wondering how I ended up here.' being answered.

Except my movie is directed and written by some drunk guy on every drug in the book, so the question really hasn't been answered, so we have to result to breaking the fourth wall and explaining what we're trying to convey through film (Xi Luhan, take notes).

We'll start with what plagued me the most.

Woohyun.

I love him more than myself.

Despite the weekly therapy, I still blame myself for what happened.

How couldn't I? It's my fault. If had been paying attention instead of arguing with him and worrying about Yeol it wouldn't have happened.

I'm Woohyun's older brother. I'm supposed to lead by and set an example for him. I'm supposed to be responsible, yet all I've done is wind him up comatose in the hospital.

He's supposedly doing well. Mama spends a lot of time at the hospital with him. I go at least twice a week. The majority of the time I can't bring myself to go. Whenever I see him I'm reminded of what I've done. It's selfish of me, but I can't bring myself to face that truth anymore than I already have right now.

The doctors say he improves everyday and that's he's made massive progress.

To Woohyun, my little brother, you will never understand how truly sorry I am. Never will I be able to make it up to you nor forgive myself. I've taken something precious from you, and in return I'll give you everything I have. I love you more than anything, and it hurts me more than it hurts you. Emotional pain always hurts more than physical.

You see, physical pain can go away. Break your leg and it heals after a while, practically good as new. However, emotional pain does not go away. Even if all is forgiven (baby*), there's still the everlasting scars. That pain and hurt is always there, in the back of your neck and height of your spine.

Now for what a lot of you are probably ogling on about.

The one and only Park Chanyeol.

Yeol, my Yeol. My dearest. My love.

Don't get me wrong. I love Chanyeol, I really do. But sometimes I can barely bring myself to think of him.

I understand this one is going to be a little harder to explain, so bear with me.

As I said before, I love Park Chanyeol. More than anyone**, really. He means so much to me and I've fallen in love with everything about him, despite the short amount of time I've known him (about forty days up to this point. If we were Jesus, we would have survived the worst at this point. But darling dear, this is only the beginning, I'm afraid.).

Perhaps it's the short amount of time I've known him, despite how much of it I've spent with him. Perhaps it's the distance, too daunting for me. Perhaps it's Chanyeol himself, and I've just realized I don't actually really like him and was just using him for whatever reason- his body, his money, his attention; the list goes on.

Or perhaps it's me, the ever changing, flowing me.

I've been described by more than one person (all shrinks, albeit) as a constant changing kind of person, like water (funny enough, I'm a Taurus, an Earth sign, but also connected to Spring).