This chapter of my story, I can't tell most of it because it's just too hard to handle. But I just want to tell you all what Finn meant to me.
He could be a pain in the ass, thinking he was smarter than I was. Some days, he was, but...he was my friend. We were like brother and sister, driving each other nuts from day-to-day but...we did love each other like siblings. I just feel guilty that I didn't get to tell him how much I did love him. I blame myself for not fighting harder for him, and I take back every nasty thought and insult I ever directed towards him. Finn is the brother I never had, and now that he's gone, it's like a part of me is gone as well. I don't know if I'll ever get over this, I don't think I ever will...
I got the call around two in the morning, and when I heard those four difficult words...I just felt frozen, like someone cast a spell over me and I couldn't move. And it broke my heart to tell my roomates. It was like trying to pull tight cork out of an old wine bottle, I was afraid of what they would do, what Rachel would do.
Looking at that memorial in the hallway, I can't describe the feelings that surround my heart. Grief, despair, guilt, anger, so much more. I'm afraid, thinking of the here-after. After all, we all have a ticking time-bomb inside us, and with all the crap we do to our bodies, we don't know when that bomb goes off and we take the mystic train. Destination? The Golden Gates...I hope at least.
So, from me to all of you, I want you all to remember Finn as not just a big, goofy football player, remember him as a boy with a heart the size of the planet. He stood up for everyone, even when they didn't like him, and he fought for what he was right. I'd follow that kid to hell and back.
-
It's not fair, just standing here, staring at a memorial and just wanting it to go away. Sitting underneath the bleachers of the football field, all alone, just made it worse. I don't know why I was just sitting here, but then again I did. Everything in my head was always thought under these bleachers, and I couldn't bear to break tradition. I couldn't stop thinking about the condolance notes, flowers, candles, they even decided to hang up his football jersey and helmet.
"I had a feeling I'd find you here." I didn't bother looking up at Sebastian, but I knew he was coming his way, satisfied that he had found me.
"You know, when I don't answer my phone four or five times after you've called, that's usually the where you take the hint that I don't feel like talking." I told him. He sat down with me, marvelling at the view.
"Wow, so this is your secret hideout, huh?" he asked.
"Did Rachel say you could find me here?" I asked him.
"I never asked Rachel, I couldn't find you, then I thought about where you would go to hide." he replied.
"I used to sit here day after day and watch him. I despised him for years, and I used to draw his face in my sketchpad and disorient it with horns and mustaches. Now that he's gone I just...I feel guilty about every terrible thought I had for him. He was a good guy, he had twice the heart I'll ever have." I said.
"If you think about it, he did change you. That icy tough-girl exterior melted away so that you could make friends, and feel things, and start over." he replied.
"Hey, did you really delete those Finn photos you made?" I asked him, referring to a year ago when he decided to play coy.
"Yes I did, I keep my promises." he replied.
"Good. Just making sure." I said.
"If you could say one thing to him, what would you say?" he asked. That was hard.
"I don't know...I mean...I don't know. Sorry for being a bitch. You're the best guy friend a girl could have. Fare-the-well old friend, the list goes on and on." I replied.
"He was lucky to have a friend like you." he said.
"I find that hard to believe...but thank you. I'm sure if he had stuck around a bit longer, he would've liked you too." I replied, finally deciding to smile. But that's what I did best, fake a smile. I'd been doing it for so long now, many took it for a real one. It was days like this that I chose to fake a smile...
-
"Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh ooh
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes.
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again.
Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this, ooh, whoa
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, oh, oh, oh.
If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away
Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you"
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Mistakes We Made (Glee FF/Sebastian Smythe) | ✓
Fanfiction[WARNING: If you have not read Reese Lavek, than start with that before you read this and everything will make sense] Reese Lavek left Sebastian Smythe standing at his front stoop confused and angry, and she beats herself up every day for leaving hi...
