To Share You (manxman)

Chapter 47

It doesn't really look the same. Not anymore. Our house that once brought us peace and a feeling of safety and happiness just looking at it, the house that was the first thing we could truly call ours, is now no more than a painful memory of what was. We stand in front of it, unable to go inside or move away. There is too much that needs to be remembered, but also too much pain that accompanies those memories. And so we stand there. My hand is firmly lodged in his and all of my senses concentrate on any movement or sound he might make. It distracts from some of my pain, but his own is steadily invading me through our bond, bringing waves of longing, sorrow and suffering with it.

It was a little over three weeks ago, when Raph finally spoke to me again, that I decided I needed to do something. And so I pretended to heal, if only to be able to be there for him. I was updated on all of what had happened and relayed it to Raph whenever we were on our own. He barely reacted and I never expected him to either, but it hurt, nonetheless. My mother and Sam made it to onto the pack land safely, Zach came back with only minor issues, and, with a few unfortunate exceptions, most everyone else was alive, but Clarissa never made it back. She had been dragged away by a rogue after being severely injured and no one heard from her since. According to Randy, who was the only person I could stand in the room for a while, none of the search parties came back with even a trace and there's a good chance she never made it out alive.

That hurt, too, but it became muddled and covered by all the other pain I was feeling and now, it's simply a dull ache in comparison. She is my friend, part of my family even, but I couldn't and can't find the strength to care.

Randy was the only person I spoke to since. I had no explanation as to why, but anyone else I never even let into the room. I knew my mother was here and Sam too and Zach and once I was alert enough to distinguish between scents and presences again, I noticed them come by a few times, but I didn't want them there. Not anyone. Not even Randy ever came closer than where he was sitting that day and when we left earlier, no one was around. Even patrol stopped a mile or so away to let us pass through the inner circle.

I know that all of these people are important, but right now, I barely have enough strength to hold myself upright and all I have goes into my mate. My mate, who hasn't spoken out loud since before and barely even through our connection. My mate, who hasn't once stopped touching me since, clearly too afraid of another loss, and I don't blame him. Whenever my eyes are closed, visions of worlds without him, too, appear before me and so I haven't slept, not really.

When I feel the tiniest shift from Raph, I gently tug on his hand to guide him inside. His other hand is firmly holding his mid section. As opposed to me, he never lets go, as if still protecting something, his hand always connected to it in some way. I can't touch it. I feel the welts that aren't healing and the flatness that wasn't there before and it tears me apart. I need the little shred of sanity to look after Raph now and so I stay away from his belly as well as I can. It hurts to be unable to touch him like before, so easy and comforting. Now, I wish that I didn't take it for granted as much. Maybe if I hadn't been so greedy in the first place, wanting Raph to myself and not wanting to share him, maybe he wouldn't have to suffer now. Maybe this is punishment.

When we set foot inside, I'm assaulted by everything.

I remember when I thought something was wrong with him before realising what was really happening, I remember his little food tantrums that he had, even if they were far and in-between, and all the awkward moments he would just randomly shift. I remember how happy and content he was simply sitting in a corner somewhere and whispering to his belly and how happy and content I was simply watching him do so.

I don't really notice when I lose my balance and simply fall to the floor, hitting the wall in the process, which catches my fall a little. I don't even really notice when my head hits the floor with a quiet thump, or when tears start streaming down my face towards the floor and I don't notice myself shaking either. I curl into a ball, not really knowing what to do anymore, at a loss on how to go from here. Raph barely responds to anything I say and the hollow look in his eyes never goes away and all I want to do every second of every day is to simply die. And I would - were it not for him. Somehow, helping him through this seems worth it, even if I don't believe there's another side to get to in the first place.