To Share You (manxman)

Chapter 48

I don't know how to react. This is the first time she's been so close to me since I left and I want to run to her and hug her to me, but I'm also ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself for being so weak after what happened that I never even went to see her. I know the truth. Raph was simply an excuse. I kept saying that I had to look after him, that he needed me, but in reality, I needed him. I didn't know how to face anyone, I still don't, and I didn't want to face a reality that I created but wish no one would have to live in.

My mother's face is unmoving and for the first time in my life, I can't read it. She almost seems like a stranger and I wonder whether I did that. Whether she is yet another victim to the chaos I created. There's a deadly silence in the room, much more prominent even than before, when it was just Raph and I. Surprisingly, it's Raph that breaks it. The shuffling of his clothes as he stands is the only sound in the small space. There's a split second of instinctual pain through my body as he separates himself from me completely for the first time since then, quickly followed by a wave of grief as I see him hug my mother to him, seeking comfort.

He looks like a child, a lost child that has nothing left, clinging to his mother in hopes of her fixing it. I watch as my mother's arms snake around his body, one holding his head to her shoulder, even though she is so much smaller than him. There is a small, sad smile on her face as she looks down at him. Her hand moves in circles on his back, a calming gesture, while Raph is simply quiet and unmoving now.

I sit there, in the corner, watching the scene unfold before me and I wonder, for the hundredth time how I could let this happen. My eyes slowly trace their silhouette and not for the first time do I realise how much I love them. While I was using Raph as an excuse, I talked myself into believing that he was my only responsibility. I was wrong. This woman had given her life to me, raised me and made me into what I am today. I owe her everything. And yet I failed her. I failed her in so many ways and there is little I can do to make up for it.

And even still she is here now. She is here, somehow putting everything into perspective without even muttering a single word or doing anything. She is here, providing a form of comfort to my mate in a way that I couldn't. She is here, making me better by breaking me down without even trying. The tears I'm not even trying to hold back roll down my cheek and freely drip onto my outstretched legs. My shoulders fall in defeat and my neck gives out, making my head fall back onto he wall, my tears now changing their path to drip onto my shaking shoulders. My nose is running and I can feel ugly noises leaving my throat in an effort to give an outlet to all the pain and grief. Through the film of water over my eyes I stare at the ceiling, knowing I wouldn't be able to cope if I look at her, even if I so badly want to.

I wrap my shaking hands around my midsection and slowly gather my legs closer to my body to hide my complete vulnerability. It doesn't work. I feel weak and ashamed.

At my movement, I can feel my mother's eyes on me and there's no point resisting. My eyes slowly lower to her with my head still tilting back and at an angle. I expect anger, disappointment, regret, anything, but instead she smiles at me with two fingers at Raph's back gesturing for me. I don't even think. I scramble to my feet, my legs almost buckling underneath me and even on the short distance of a few feet between us I almost trip, but when I make it to her a wave of relief hits me. The hand that was on the back of Raph's head moves to pull me into the two of them and soon I feel my mother's arms around me. I'm halfway hugging Raph as well in a desperate need to be closer, but he barely moves or reacts. The only indication that he even realises what's happening is his one hand loosely holding on to the side of my trousers.

My head is buried on my mother's free shoulder and I cry into her like a child. Sobs and hiccups accompany my tears, but neither her nor Raph say anything. She simply rubs circles onto my back as she did with Raph and we stand there. We stand there as if it's the only place to be in the world. My mother's calm eventually transfers to me and after who knows how long she finally lets us go to step back. I can see Raph's hand holding on to her sleeve, even though she barely took half a step away. Her other hand lands on my cheek and she looks at me for a while. I can't tell what she's thinking, but I'm still too much in a daze to comprehend anything. Finally, she moves on to Raph. Both her hands hold his face as she leans up to kiss his forehead and I can see a single tear escape his eye.