Still Blinded

JT. 19

I had to get away and clear my head. What the fuck was I thinking when I slept with Tyson was the only thought that kept replaying in my mind. I drove around campus for a while before I ended up at the gym. I decided to go in and shoot around in hopes that I would be able to get my mind right. I knew at some point DJ and I would have to talk about this and truthfully I was a little scared. When he hit me, I felt a mix of emotions run through me. First, I was shocked because we've never had an argument that intense before, then it was anger. I could feel my body getting hot and when I got like that I wanted to hit something or someone. Then the last emotion I felt was guilt. The look on DJ's face was one of anger and hurt. I had hurt him and it was written all over his face.

I know some may think that I did to DJ what he did to me with Sydney, but the truth is we moved past that whole situation. What I had done to him was fucked up. The sexual tension between Tyson and I had been building for months now. I've noticed ever little look he's given me when we're in the showers or when I'm at his house. I'm not oblivious to him liking me and yet I stayed around knowing it. In a way I liked it, someone else noticed me while my own boyfriend and I are having issues. So yeah I'm at fault for this shit.

I ended up shooting around for a couple hours and when I got back home it was pitch black outside. I could faintly hear the tv playing and the lights from it flashing off the walls in the living room through the window. I slowly opened the door and walked over to find DJ sleep on the couch. I wanted to wake him but decided that would be a bad idea so I left him there but not before placing a kiss on his temple. I must have been drained because after taking a shower all I remember is laying on the bed and next thing I know I'm waking up the next morning.

Getting up to relieve my bladder and brush my teeth. As I looked at myself in the mirror the reflection I was seeing was not of my normal self it was of someone I had told myself I would never be, A Cheater. That's what and who I was. I cheated on the one person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. Finishing up I walked to the room door to find DJ sitting on the couch watching an old episode of Power. Just seeing him sitting there looking so peaceful and content made me think about how much of an asshole I've been. Taking a deep breath I got myself together as I stepped out into the hall leading to the living room.

Sitting on the opposite couch, DJ looked at me before turning back to the tv. Something in me was yelling "make this shit right" but after fucking Ty, I don't know what to do. I flipped out on DJ just because he thought Brandon was cute but here I am fucking one of my teammates and friend.

I got down in front of him taking his hand in mine. He wouldn't even look at me which let me know he was still hurt by how I've been acting. "DJ, babe please look at me," I asked in almost a whisper. He kept his attention on the tv until I locked our fingers together. I looked up seeing a single tear running down his cheek. Taking my free hand wiping away the tear I felt a sharp pain in my chest and then wetness on my cheek. It hurt like hell to see how much my stubbornness has hurt DJ.

At that point, the tears wouldn't stop flowing.  He was hurting and so was I and for once in my life, I was clueless as to how I was going to fix this. I think this was the first time DJ has ever seen me cry. I felt him locking our fingers together more tightly and once I looked up he wiped away the tears from my face. Something in me knew at that moment that our relationship was changed and not for the better.

I gathered every nerve in me and spoke from the heart. "DJ I'm sorry babe. I know I fucked up and this is all on me. I flipped out on you because I felt like Brandon was trying to interfere with our relationship and I thought once his charm got to you.... you would break up with me to be with him. I guess what I'm trying to say is... I still fear that another person could take you away from me. Although we worked through the whole Sydney issue I still sometimes wonder if we feel in love too quickly and if I'm enough for you. That's my insecurities in our relationship."

I took a deep breath hoping that DJ was going to speak up but nothing. He held this blank face so I continued. "When you told me you thought Brandon was attractive I was pissed. That's always been an issue I've had with you, you're oblivious to what's going on around you at times. The way he looks at you and the way his eyes light up when he talks about you is of someone who's in love. I think he's in love with you and you don't see it but I do. That's what fucking scares me, DJ."

"JT I don't want him. I wanted you but instead of being real with me you pushed me away. Started keeping secrets from me, moved out, and then you fucked Tyson behind my back. I promised you that I wouldn't do anything to hurt you after that shit last year but you still felt like I would. That lets me know that you don't trust me and for a relationship to work you've got to have trust" DJ said in an irritated voice.

He was right I did all of that. I should've been upfront with him but I can't go back and redo what's already been done. I looked into his eyes hoping that we still had an ounce of hope there but all I saw was defeat. At this point, I think our relationship was done.