Instead of Me

∆31∆

I was eating my pork fried rice in the bathtub. Annie ate on her bed. We had to be separated or I figured I wouldn't be able to stop myself from trying to kiss her. I couldn't allow myself to have Annie become a cheater, not again at least. She was better than that.

I was better than that.

I sat listening to the sink leak, watching each water droplet fall. Everything seemed so tense, as if watching a scary movie and the suspenseful music was playing to spook the audience. Nothing seemed wrong per se, but I just felt a little. . . off.

Eventually, I had to come out of the bathroom at some point. With a worried sigh, I picked myself out of the tub and walked into the room. Annie didn't even look up at me. She kept her eyes on her crab rangoon. I watched her slowly pull a piece apart and pop it into her mouth. Her hands shook.

"Did you tell Katherine?" she asked, still avoiding my gaze.

"Tell her about what?" I crossed my arms and leaned against the doorway.

Annie pursed her lips to the side, trying to figure out how to phrase her thoughts. "Both things," she said. "About us together and about. . ." She cleared her throat. "About what you said."

She couldn't even say it. Was it that bad to her that I love her? Did she resent me for it?

Slowly so as not to scare her away, I sat down at the very edge of her bed, staring at my hands in my lap. If at any point I wanted a cigarette, it was in that moment. I bit my lower lip, thinking about my answer. "No," I said eventually. "I never told her anything. But I think people suspect parts of it."

Annie finally looked at me, cocking her head to the side. "What do you mean?"

I lifted my eyes up to meet hers. Her brown eyes were wide and I could see the anxiety inside her fighting her composure.

"It's high school. Nobody thinks that a boy and a girl could be best friends without doing stuff at some point. I mean- don't you remember what Kat said at my locker the other day? She can't be the only one to think that's we've had sex. Even if she did start a rumor about it—"

"It's not really a rumor anymore."

"If she did start a rumor about it, I guarantee you that other people have talked about it before." I knew how high schoolers worked. Gossip was their favorite subject and some students seemed to take it as an AP course.

Annie's cheeks turned red. "But there's nobody that knows about it for sure?"

I dropped my gaze. "Um—"

"Seriously, Finn?"

"Mrs. Valentine knows. . ." I mumbled, rubbing the back of my neck nervously. "She knows."

Annie's jaw dropped. "Mrs. Valentine? How?" She pressed me for answers.

"You don't want to know," I said, thinking about the Polaroid picture of her in my bed that morning that was still in my camera bag at school. "You really don't want to know." Still, I was unable to make eye contact. 

"Finn, Mrs. Valentine is one of my favorite teachers. I respect her. I could never stand the fact that she knows about my sex life!" Annie stood up in a rage, or at least what I thought was rage. "I can't believe this." She started laughing. She bent over, holding her chest as the giggles escaped her lips.

I scrunched my eyebrows together. "Annie?" I thought for sure she had gone crazy or that she was ready to burst into complete and total anger. "Are you okay?"

Annie doubled over and there was pure amusement expressed on her face. "I've had Mrs. Valentine for years. Now she knows about my sex life. My teacher-" She was interrupted by another fit of giggles. "My teacher knows about my sex life!" She held her hands up to her mouth. "I'm sorry. This isn't funny."