Starting New - Xxxtentacion

Chapter 40 - Numb The Pain

I turned onto my street, well the guys street, and quickly started to walk to the house. I just bought Xanax from a guy a few blocks down. I don't think he lives around here, but I asked him to meet me there so he doesn't see where I live. Where the guys live. I don't want to call it home anymore although it feels like home. I don't belong here. I don't deserve it. They are too good for me.

I ran into the house and put the bag on the kitchen counter next to a bottle of Henny. Another thing to get me numb. Hopefully. The guys are out right now at their friends party so they won't be back for a while, I think. After me and Jahseh got back from my parents house, they went out and I hit up this dealer.

I'm only going to take one xan and sell the rest because I need the money. Ima sell them for more than I bought them. Obviously. I started to drink the henny as I grabbed my phone. I saw my mom texted me. Maybe she wants me back home.
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Mother: if you're just going to stay away like that for this long and even after what happened with your brother, then stay where you are. We tried everything we can to help you.
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So they don't even want me back. I'm not surprised.

Is it bad to mix xans and Henny? I don't know and I don't care. I'm over it. I never took Xans, but I want to be numb. No one wants me. I think I need to leave this house. I can't put my problems onto them. It's not fair for them. I felt a tear drop, but I quickly wiped it. I don't want to cry.

Maybe I should get my stuff and leave before they get home. I just stared down at the xans. Maybe I'll take all not just the one. I took another chug of Henny. I don't want to breathe anymore. I feel alone even with a bunch of people around me all the time.

My brother was a person I ran to for everything and he always talked me through things. Without him, I lost a piece of me.

My parents don't love me. Who do I have left in my family? No one.

I wish my mom would just text me asking for me to come home, even though I wouldn't, it would just be nice for my mother to want me. To love me. I just want a way to numb the pain. At the funeral, while my parents hugged and loved each other, I stood alone staring at the casket hoping this was all just a dream.

I heard someone run into the house then I heard all the guys voices.

"Yo" I heard Isaiahs voice. I looked up and he was looking at me confused. "What-" he was cut off by Stokeley walking in and saying, "What is that?" Stoke walked up to me and looked at the palm of my hand.

"Xans" I told him quietly.

"Why are you crying? And where the fuck did you get these? You don't do drugs" he asked confused.

"I bought them. I don't do drugs, but I want to be numb" He tried to grab them from me, but I moved back. I just put the Henny down. "Stop"

"Chill Stas" He said as he went to grab them again. I moved my hand.

"Stop" I repeated, but louder.

"You don't need those. You're fucking drinking too, are you crazy that shit will kill you if you took those with the henny!" He said loudly.

(A/N: idk if it deadass will, but I don't really care I'm making it up HHAHA love y'all)

"Good!" I yelled back. "Maybe it should!"

"Why you saying this shit?" Now we were yelling. Only making it worse.

"My mom! My parents! They don't want me! They don't love me. They say I do nothing with my life, that I'll go nowhere and they're right, Stokeley! I don't do anything with my life. I work at some shitty fucking dinner and I live here for free because you guys feel bad for me because you guys are so fucking nice. You did it because you felt bad. No one loves me! The only person that did was my brother and he's dead!" I yelled while I started to cry more.

"That's not true and you know that! I love you you're family to me. You can't do this fucked up shit!" He yelled back.

Jahseh walked in and stared at us confused. I know he heard everything.

"Stas" Jahseh said quietly. His face is full of confusion. Stokeley tried to grab the xans again, but again I moved my hands. Then he quickly knocked them out of my hands.

"Stokeley!" I yelled at him for doing that as the tears steamed down my face. He held onto my wrist tightly.

"Don't do this shit Stas!" He yelled making me cry harder. "Please!" I nodded slowly. I pulled my hands away and he just stared down at me. I just stared at the xans spread out on the floor. He picked up the xans and walked into the bathroom. I knew he was flushing them down the toilet.

I quickly walked out of the room without looking at the boys. I ran up the stairs and started walking to my room. I heard someone behind me and figured it's just Ski. Now he's going to watch my every move, I know it. I kept crying as I stood in my room. I can't get my self to stop crying. I can't get myself to breath.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked over to see it's Jahseh. He moved his hand from my shoulder and wiped my tears with his thumb. I just faced him and then I moved his hand away from my face.

"Stop" He said quietly and sighed.

"Why do you guys care so much?" I asked him.

"Because why wouldn't we, Ta?" He asked back. He stepped towards me, but I stepped back. He stepped forward again, but I didn't move this time. He cupped my face with his hands. I put my hands on his arms trying to move him away from me. I just want to be alone. He shouldn't want to help me. I don't deserve it.

"Leave me alone please Jahseh" I begged as I tried to move his hands again and move away from him. He didn't budge so I moved my hands.

"Don't do this" he quietly told me.

"Why?"

"Because I fucking love you" he told me. I just stared at him in shook. "I love you" he repeated. "We love you. We refuse to lose you, Stas" I didn't say anything back because I was still trying to figure out what to say so he moved his hands and sighed. I quickly wrapped my arms around his neck hugging him. He hugged back tightly. I started to cry again into his shoulder.

"I love you Jah" I told him quietly.

"Don't do that again, okay?" I heard him.

"Okay" I said back. He let go and grabbed my hand. He walked us over to the bed and he let go of my hand.

"We're gonna lay down come on" he told me. So I laid down and he laid down next to me. I laid on my side and so did he. We just stared at each other. "If you die, I'll go with you" he told me.

"No Jah-" he cut me off.

"What if I want to? What if I ask you to?" He asked.

"To kill you?" He nodded.

"To kill us both"

"No" I answered.

"What if that's what I want?"

"No" I repeated. "I wouldn't want to hurt you" I told him.

"You wouldn't be" I sighed. "Ight" he said before I could answer. "Don't hurt yourself" he said quietly than laid on his back.

"I won't" he looked over at me and held his arm out. I moved over and laid my head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around me as I did the same with him. I took a deep breath and shut my eyes.

"You're very important to me. To all of us. Just know that. Don't ever think you're not enough" I heard him say. I opened my eyes to look at him. "I know what it's like to be alone. To feel lonely. I understand. I understand what it's like to be around people and still feel alone. You are cared about. Everyone in this house loves you."

He kissed me softly and I just stared back at him as he pulled away. I felt too weak to react. So I sat up and got under the blankets.

"Please stay with me" I said quietly and laid my head back down on the pillow. He didn't say anything back as he got under the blankets also. I rolled over so my back was facing him. I felt safe with him being next to me. I felt his body press against mine and his arm slip around my waist.

Now I feel even safer.