Daily Interactions

Regrets

Regret, that is something that everyone experience. Be it for a decision made, for a plan gone awry, for words spoken, for actions taken, or not taken, for an opportunity not taken, and for him, for appearing strong when he had just wanted to break down and hang on to the older.

It is not that he regretted telling Singto to go and pursue his dreams of studying abroad in the field that he loves. It is that he regret not voicing his worries, his concerns, his feelings. The feelings that the older also seems to share but both of them had never voiced it aloud, both of them not wanting to throw a curveball at what works for them now, leaving everything in ambiguity. 

Every little whispers, touches, smiles, hugs, kisses. Every single one which meant so much for him but does all these really mean for Singto? What if he was the one who misread everything, thinking too much into everything? He hate all the doubts that trickled into his brain late at night as the days ran away far too fast away from him as they approach the day that Singto will leave. 

Singto started to wrap up the loose ends, completing the rest of his press conferences, filming and advertisements obligations in between making sure that he is also all set in America with lodging and school. The time they get to spend together reduced drastically with everything going with Singto since they do not have any projects together.

Krist resisted his urge to reach out to Singto first even when he misses the older after hearing from P'Yuyui and their common friends that he was so busy that he rarely even get 6 hours of sleep nightly. He would wait for the messages to come first before replying them as much positivism that he can muster, not wanting Singto to know or feel that anything is wrong.

It had been four months since Singto first told Krist about his plans and it is only one week before he needs to leave. Krist had grown increasingly silent and sullen, something not unnoticed by his family and loved ones as the cloud of regrets, doubts and despair weigh him down. He gave concerned friends a small smile and just shook his head as he accepted more projects as he plan on keeping himself busy enough to not think about the upcoming departure and to keep himself tired enough that those doubts do not have a chance to creep in at night before he fall asleep. Plans may be plans but they never happen as to what anyone expects. 

A muted ding alerted him that he had received a message. He opened his eyes, a soft sigh to himself as he acknowledges that he lost the fight as he is far too awake despite his efforts to sleep. He reached for his phone on the bedside table, reading the message. His fingers typed, retyped, and yet retyped and finally he stopped. His phone rang not too long after. He wasn't surprised that Singto would call him when the older realizes that he had read the message and not reply.

"Kit"

That one word, wrapped with so much affection that only Singto could do and that just broke Krist. 

"I can't do this"

He hung up on Singto before the older could hear him cry. He threw his phone against the wall, hearing the satisfactory cracking sound, at that moment, he just don't want to care anymore, not wanting to receive another call from Singto, knowing that he is selfish to do this to Singto, the older probably worried and confused but he cannot pretend anymore that he is fine with this. Krist sat on the chair, arms wrapped around his knees as he looked out blankly at the city which he loved dearly as it goes to sleep. 

He heard the knocks on his door, ones that he ignored, even the soft pleas for him to open the door, he ignored every single one of them despite the stab to his heart.

Night fought with day and lost the fight as tendrils of red streaked through the sky as another day started. Krist still sat on the chair, not caring that the position is hell for his back. Who the fuck cares about a sore back when his world is crumbling down and he do not dare to do a single thing, not wanting to be the chain that holds someone back from their dreams, that is if he even have such a power over the older. It is a no win situation of either facing reality that it is a one sided feeling or he is someone's roadblock. 

P'Yuyui came into his apartment using the key that he had left with her for emergencies, walking towards him. She sighed to herself, seeing the state of Krist. These boys had initially been just a job to her, among the many artists that she had to manage. But somehow every one of them crept into her skin, every one of them like her child, and as a faux mother, how can she let them be in this state without trying to do something, especially with this stubborn one.

"Krist"

He looked up at her and she lean in, hugging him tightly.

"Go"

Before he could say anything more, she rushed on.

"You don't want to regret this too"

He silenced, knowing that the game is up, she knows him too well. She straightened up, a hand on his shoulder. 

Regrets.. regrets.. regrets..

He stood up abruptly as he came to a decision. 

"I'll drive you"

A rare genuine smile came on his face as he followed her to the car, both of them making their way to the airport. She stopped at the entrance, letting him know which gate Singto will be at. He dashed in, not caring that he probably looked like shit with the sleepless night and that he is crashing into far too many people who cursed at him as he try to make his way to the gate. He put his brakes on when he saw the big group of fans circling around Singto who is holding his last fan meeting before he flew off. He had said his personal goodbyes to his father and friends the night before, the only one who didn't turn up was Krist, denying Singto a chance to speak to the younger.

Their eyes met when Singto turned to take another question from a fan. Singto silenced, eyes on the younger and the fans realized his inattention, also turning to see what had captured his attention. It was surreal how everything silenced and Krist could only hear his own heartbeat in his ears as all attention, especially attention from him is solely on him. He took a step, and another. It is funny how once the first step is taken, every other step gets easier and easier. The fans parted, letting him walk up to Singto. He formulated words in his mind, he haven't gotten to that, his mind had only made the decision for him to come here, not further than that. 

"Kit"

Singto broke the silence when Krist didn't say anything for the longest time, his eyes on a button on Singto's shirt, the fans were somehow also silent, some holding their breath, each of them somehow knowing that something momentous may happen or is about to happen.  

"Wait for me"

Krist's head jerked up at that, his eyes filled with questions. 

"This isn't really where I thought we would have a talk but.."
"Sing, what did you mean by that"
"It is selfish and I thought of it far too many times and asking myself if it is fair to you. But I don't want to fucking regret and end up losing you. I want to be selfish. Wait for me, I'll be back in less than two years and we can make this work. There is phone, video, flights..."

The younger held a hand up, silencing Singto.

"What are you really asking me?"

Krist didn't have time to react as Singto cupped his face in his hands, reaching in to press a soft kiss on the lips. Singto lifted his head, their eyes on each other as he whispered.

"Be mine"

Before Singto could move away, Krist curled his fingers around Singto's nape, pulling the older close, returning the kiss as his heart felt lighter, joy bubbling under the surface of his skin that his love was not rejected and it was returned. Both of them smiled into the kiss, this felt just right, overdue but just right. 

Risk everything, in the end we only regret the chances we didn't take