her.

viii

i think that unlabelled brokenness from before
that crippling sadness that i refused to name

i think it's a mindset i was born into.

...okay, maybe not born, that's a little dramatic
but i was always awkward as a kid
and there was always that toned-down familiarity of awkward feelings, of wishing i could change, of always feeling like something was off; things that this mindset has now.

i fall into it normally at night
when i should be asleep, but i think it's time instead to watch a whole tv series
when i pause in between episodes to look at my snapchat, maybe read a book, something like that

late at night, there's only a couple of songs i will listen to
i don't know what it is about them, because their meanings aren't always sad, or depressing
but they seem to tap into that mindset like i belong in it
like music can't even help me escape.

i've turned it off now.
i can hear the ticking of a clock in the silence, my slow, quiet breathing, and the tapping of my nails against my phone screen
but there's a quiet ringing in the silence
one that's always there, even if i'm not aware of it at the time
and it's dizzying
it makes me feel so empty.

sitting here now, at 3.30am, the mindset is probably at its strongest
it depends on the day, whether the episodes i watched were sad
but it passes

it's not as strong as before i met him.
i doubt it ever will be again.