her.

iv

i think i clung to you because you were the first "normal" feeling i'd had in a while.

"normal" feelings were hanging out with friends and not feeling like you wanted to throw up because you were so scared; smiling because you wanted to, not because you were worried someone would think you weren't normal; liking someone you thought was cute or fit or wanted to go out with.

normal feelings weren't wishing you could just disappear.

at some points i would've adored being the unfortunate soul who receives an unheard of disease and dies. i would be quarantined, locked away, not able to explain why i left, and slowly deteriorating.

(you wouldn't find out until it's too late.
and maybe then you'd realise how much you needed me.)

but when you first smiled at me on the field,
and i got tongue-tied and didn't say much,
when you first walked into that rehearsal hall,
and we started talking,
when you would call me every night,
and i realised my home was you,

i realised i would never have a normal feeling.

because you became an obsession.

and you have no idea how much i hated myself for it.