her.

xxvi

i don't know what is worse:

– having what you want taken away from you

or

– having what you want right in front of you,
        but not being allowed to take it

because having it taken away from you makes you crazy
"why was it taken away?"
"what did i do wrong for him not to stay?"
"am i not good enough?"
"why doesn't he want me?"

but having it right in front of you drives you insane
"i can't go there, she's still upset."
"i can't like him, he'll hurt me."
"i can't talk to him: she'll think i'm just gonna hurt her."

having to overanalyse my every word to seem like i don't care
and that i'm not trying to hurt her
and that i'm not desperate for him
and that i'm trying to give him space to heal

i can't breathe.