her.

xix

you know what?

i hate myself.

again, that sounds so attention seeking
but i promise it's not
because i'm not asking for you to pity me, or to get me help, or to comfort me
i'm just stating the truth in a place where no one will see it.

the date today is november 14th, 2018
almost a year after i started talking to him
and i want to say i regret every moment
because look what it's done to me

...

but i can't.
i can't hate him
i can't hate her
i can't hate anyone but myself

because, when it comes down to it
i'm the one that can't unattach myself
i'm the one that clings to what was never there
i'm the one that can't eat or sleep and just cries

no one is making me feel this way
i'm the one who's not changing anything.
i'm causing myself pain.

so
in conclusion

i hate myself for doing this to myself.
and i won't stop hating myself until i'm happy again
but i can't hate myself while i'm happy....

so welcome aboard the one-trip spiral into "getting bad again."