her.

xxx

there's something so strange about feelings
that they have the power to overwhelm the human body into neglecting itself
that they can physically wound you, whether through yourself or within yourself
that when there's so many that they cancel themselves out

and then you feel nothing.
i'm so bored of feeling nothing.

i'm so bored of feeling nothing because i'm bored of wanting him
i'm sick and tired of always chasing something that's just gradually out of reach
i don't want to be sad anymore

but i don't want to lose you any more than i already have
i'm scared that if i let go of this feeling
that it's the last i'll ever feel of you

even if it's killing me, i still want to feel you with me
because you were my security:
you picked me up off my knees, put me back up on my feet without even realising
you gave me a motivation to be better
my motivation was you, for you to hold and treasure me close to your heart like i do for you

i just wanted you to understand.

and all this is so selfish
because i threw myself at your feet
and i begged for you when you gave yourself to someone else
instead of taking a risk

all of this was because i was too scared to lose you
this pain, this heartache, this sickness

and now i know this wasn't worth it.

i just want to let go.