Heartbreak Hotel

28 | forsaken

4 November, 5:56 a.m.

I haven't written here in a while. Maybe because there is nothing left to say. Or maybe because whatever that needs to be said is too painful to say. I think a lot. Talk to myself a lot. There's just no one who gives a fuck to hear them I guess. I have lost my sense of coherency. This is just going to come out whenever possible. Sometimes I can only say so much before I lose my train of thoughts. I just want to put pen to paper again. No matter how meaningless my words have become. 

~~~

There is this pain inside of me I didn't even know I had. This raw, untouched, killing, pain, which I didn't even know I've repressed till now. And when it hit, I lost sight of everything. I lost the common sense that I always possessed, no matter how much pain I was feeling at any point. I was mad at myself, and devastated. I was completely devastated that everyone had given up on me. I was helpless. I just felt like the universe was taking in joy in fucking with me. No, not God. The universe. I truly believe that they are two separate entities, both of which had washed their hands off me. I spoke to God in my head and said, "You have forsaken me." And it would be a lie to say I did not mean it. The pain that I was feeling was incomparable to any other that I had ever felt before. Every time I hit rock bottom, I always manage to fall further down. And it was in that moment that I realized - I was in no way better. Not even close. I was not at all on the mend, I was just as much of a mess as before. I just couldn't take it anymore. I wept and wept. Until there was nothing left inside of me.