Is this even real?

p0stp4rtum.hc

6 hours later

I woke up around two in the afternoon, at first I didn't remember what happened but quickly was reminded thanks to how incredibly sore I am. As soon as I recollected my thoughts I tried standing up to look for Darlene, not without a struggle as I feel like my insides have been ripped out of me, slightly reminiscent of when I got shot. I took a look at the sheets, they're ruined, covered in blood and other fluids, it looks like a crime scene. The dog is sleeping. It's quiet in the apartment, did they leave? Then where's the kid? I walked over to the crib that now stands on the left of my mattress, he's inside, sleeping. How strange, mere hours ago he was still inside me. I feel empty inside, physically, even though I look like I'm about six months pregnant I feel a hollow space within me.

"You did good kid."

Mr. Robot appeared next to me, put one hand on my shoulder.

"I'm proud of you, he's beautiful. Has my eyes."

"You couldn't help yourself, could you?"

"You know I can't."

"What now?"

"Life goes on Elliot, this is just the beginning. You have a long life ahead of you."

I looked at him confused. Why is he so optimistic all of a sudden?

"Just, don't do the same mistakes I did."

He patted my shoulder and he was gone. I looked down into the crib Alex sleeping soundly, 'This is just the beginning.'

I felt so dirty after all of this, I went to take a shower. It was the best shower I've had in a long time, while in there I heard Darlene and Layla walk in. After I was done I took a look at myself in the mirror, my eyes are even more sunken, exhausted, my stomach slightly deflated but still fairly distended, the dark line in the middle of it remained. I came back into the room to the sight of Darlene changing the bed sheets.

"How are you feeling?" Layla was next to the crib.

"I'm okay."

The kid started crying, she pulled him out and cradled him.

"Elliot, do you want to breastfeed him? I've been bottle feeding him formula since you were sleeping but now that you're awake do you wanna try?"

I looked at him, my mind went blank. I still can't believe he's real, what if this is just a huge delusion, what if I imagined all of this and none of it is real?

"Elliot?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to feed him?" She looked at me unsure whether I would answer.

Do I wanna do this? I should, he's my son. That's still the weirdest of it all, I'm a parent. I looked at Layla with indifferent eyes.

"Yeah."

We walked over to the couch she had me sit down, I took my shirt off and she passed me the baby. I looked on not quite knowing what to do.

"Here, hold his head with you're hand like that. Bring him closer to your chest and touch his lips with your nipple, once he feels it he should latch on."

I did as she said, he latched onto my nipple and began sucking. It feels really weird, kinda tingles. What do I do now? Do I just sit here? How long does this last?

"When he's done with your first breast you should burp him and then do the other one. And if you feel any camps don't be alarmed it's just your uterus shrinking back down. You may feel them on and off for the next few days."