Is this even real?

h3lping+h4nd.mkv

January - 18 weeks

It's been a month. On my last appointment with Krista, I told her I'd be away for a few months, she said I could email her anytime. It still feels weird to think there's another human being inside me, dependent on me to survive and then to be taken care of for the next two decades to come. It's definitely in there, it's gotten bigger. I've resolved to wearing sweatpants. I'm having trouble fitting into my pants, and my t-shirt is getting a little snug with my belly stretching it ever so slightly. Good thing I wear loose shirts, although I don't know how long that's gonna last. Fuck, I'm gonna have to go shopping. At least my hoodie still fits me fine. Mr. Robot shows up every few days now, says he's checking up on me. What the hell does he think I could do to myself, Jesus I got the message no more smoking and no more drugs. The few days after I got the news was the hardest as my body started to detox from the Morphine, it was like the flu but more intense. I didn't sleep for two days straight, I was sweaty and got the chills, puked my guts out for hours, way to add fuel to the fire Elliot. Mr. Robot was there with me, took care of me, he's doing that a lot recently. Aside from taking showers, I haven't touched it, I'm afraid to touch it, what will happen if I do? What will I do with a child? How did this even happen? I still don't know. I had completely blanked out the fact that I have working female organs. But this isn't an immaculate conception, there's a piece I'm missing.

*Bang*Bang*Bang*

Someone's at the door, who could it be?

"Come on Elliot open up, I know you're in there."

Shit It's Darlene, she's gonna notice somethings up.

"Open the damned door."

"What are you doing here?"

"Yeah, it's nice to see you to big brother, mind if I come in? I've come to see how you've been, haven't seen ya in months." She sat on the couch.

"Yeah, well I'm good."

"Come on, sit down with me. I thought I could crash at yours for a little bit and maybe we could watch some movies. What do ya say?"

Do I let her stay? What if she finds out? Does she know about this too? Like Mr. Robot did. I sat down next to her hoping she wouldn't pay attention to my physical state.

"What do you wanna watch?"

"I don't know, haven't thought about it yet, ooh maybe we could watch a series this time?"

"If you're gonna stay here for a while I guess so."

"Anyway, what have you been up to all this time, huh? Let yourself go I see."

Before I could react she touched my stomach, shit, please don't say anything.

"Hm? It's a little firm, you sure it's a beer gut? You should get that checked out."

...

"Hey don't get mad I'm just playing with you."

"Elliot?"

"Elliot's not here right now."

"Don't be childish okay, I wasn't being mean."

"He knows you didn't mean it like that. Darlene, it happened."

"Elliot what are-"

"This isn't Elliot, okay?"

"It's you. Why are you here?"

"Because he won't tell you anything, so I have to."

"What do you mean it happened?"

"He's pregnant."

"What? How? How long?"

"It's been like 4 months now."

Darlene looked at Elliot's stomach. She lifted up his shirt and touched it. Time to go.

What happened? Why is she touching me?

"Darlene, what are you doing?" She looked at me with eyes of disbelief.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

I slapped her hands off my body and pulled my shirt down. How does she know? What the hell?

"He said you wouldn't tell me, I suppose he was right."

"He, who? Mr. Robot? He was here?"

"Briefly, but long enough to tell me the truth."

The bastard. I started pacing. Now she knows I guess there's no point in lying. The way she reacted, she's not surprised, which means she knew this could happen. Mr. Robot knew, she knew, the whole family must've known. Why did I forget about this?

"Elliot would you quit pacing and sit down."

"This isn't weird for you?"

"We've known about this since we were kids, I've had time to get used to the idea. We knew this could happen."

"Apparently I forgot, I found out a month ago."

She stood up, walked over to me and hugged me. What a strange sensation, it felt right, it felt like I needed it. Why is my vision blurry?

"Why am I crying?"

"It's probably your hormones." She laughed lightly.

"Listen, I think I should stay with you, for longer. I think you're gonna need help with some things in a few months time."

She's right.

"Yeah, okay."

"Can I touch it again?"

"No. It's weird. I don't touch it either."

She grabbed one of my hands. I tried to pull away but she held it firmly. She slid it under the fabric of my shirt and pressed it against my stomach.

"Elliot, don't do this, You have a chance to start over, to create your own family, don't alienate this kid. I want you to try and bond with it, you don't have to talk to it or anything like that but, at least acknowledge it."

She let go of my hand but it stayed, lingered on my skin my thoughts running 100 m/h. I acknowledge it alright. It's the only thing I've thought about since I've learned of its existence. I looked down, my thumb brushing the swell of my stomach. Flipper jumping at our feet.

"Do you mind taking out the dog? I'm tired I'm gonna head to bed. You can crash on the couch."

"Sure"

With my arms by my side, I turned around and walked over to my mattress. Lowering myself to the floor will be a challenge, I can already see it. Let's just hope Darlene won't mind helping me up and down every day. I closed my eyes and heard her walk out the door. My hand crept up to my middle. 'I know you're in there. I don't blame you for anything, this is just hard for me to get used to'.