She Was Like Magic ✓

Chapter 14: Tears and Trauma

My legs were burning but they could not carry me fast enough.

My body was screaming in agony but if I stopped, then my thoughts wouldn't.

But I had to stop as my breathing could no longer keep up. I stopped all of a sudden.

My hands were pulling at my hair while I was wondering what the fuck just happened.

Why was all this so complicated? And why was it so painful.

But I already knew the answer why. It was because Ari had completely disregarded my trust in him. He took advantage of that. And he broke it to smithereens.

I told him so many times to keep it casual. That's the way we had to be but he just couldn't keep it like that.

Why couldn't he realise what we had was good? Why did he have to jeopardise it?!

I was opening up to him and actually having a real damn friendship with him. Something I hadn't had in years. Something I was beginning to cherish.

I fell to my knees as they gave out as tears silently rolled down my cheeks.

I clutched at my top so tightly balling it into a fist over my heart.

I felt a physical pain slice through my chest and I didn't even want to acknowledge it but it was there raging on, unwilling to go unnoticed.

He didn't understand how hard all this was for me. How it took everything in me to just be near him as much as I was. How every ounce of me screamed in protest at me spending that second longer with him, but I overlooked all that thinking he would understand. Thinking he would respect that always.

How stupid was I. I should have listened. I should have known. People are not to be trusted. They will break you as soon as they are given the chance. Even if they don't straight away, they eventually will. Its human nature to. You can't even count on yourself not to break yourself.

I couldn't breathe under the plague and chains of my thoughts.

I couldn't even count on myself then who could I count on? What was it in this world that you could count on? Love fades, good things turn bad, darkness swallows light.

All good things are reduced to nothing. What in this world could you count on? It was like every time I steeled myself up to not give in, to not be affected by situations that fucked up, every time I just pieced myself together I was broken into pieces that were even smaller than before. So it was so much harder every time to build myself up again.

My chest ached. There was this pain spreading in it as I cried. I sobbed for a friend, a parental figure, an elder, a partner, someone who could put their hand on my head and looking at my crying form wrap their arms around me. Knowing they would be there for me always.

But that was the thing wasn't it? No one ever was. You could cry as hard and as much as you wanted but no one would hear it. There was no one whom it would hurt so much even more than you, that you were breaking down.

It was that fact that would drive me almost to the brink of insanity. That I had so many people around me and yet no one to call my own.

I knew it was my own doing but I couldn't let anyone close to me. No one. No matter how much I craved for that deep connection with someone. My defences wouldn't let me. They were too deep rooted.

I couldn't let anyone get that close because nothing good lasts forever. And then I would be left with parts of me they broke so I wouldn't know how to put myself back together again.

"I'm sorry Ari" I whispered. As if he could hear me. But that was all my heart allowed for.

I couldn't let anyone break me like that again. It had happened once before and...I wouldn't be able to rise from that darkness again.

I knew I wanted what Ari and I had between us again, that jovial and easy going vibe but I couldn't risk all of me again for it.

He couldn't understand me just now and I didn't know how to explain it to him.

This was painful but at least this way I chose to back away from him. I was prepared for the pain.

Who knows if we would have hurt each other worse than this if I gave in and kept it going?

I don't know how long I sat there in a grassy corner of the campus sifting through my thoughts.

Making sense of what just happened and how to ease the pain in my heart.

Because there was pain. There was no denying that. I had lost a friend, a companion, a...something more than a friend but less than a significant other.

I put my hands on the grass leaning on it as I stood up, the blades of grass tickling my palms as I did.

I let out a long breath. This was going to be hard. This was going to take time. It might make me, strong-ass Sierra, cry at times. I might miss him. A lot. But this had to be done. At least this way I was proved wrong against my better judgement; I could never have more with a guy than just sex. Even if it was a deep friendship, I couldn't have it. They could either be a one night stand or my acquaintance. But nothing more.

A sad smile appeared on my face as my head was bent down looking at my feet taking tiny steps on the grass to lead me home. I really thought I could be a little more with guys. I thought I had that capability in me.

I hated the fact that I was still stuck. Still a little broken in places. Still a part of me hadn't moved on from all that had happened.

I let out a sigh. It seemed what Ari was slowly making me forget was destined to haunt me a little longer. To pain me a little longer.

Shorter chapter but because it was needed. I haven't been able to update regularly. Hit a massive writing block. I knew how i wanted the story to go but i couldnt get it out and that frustrated me even more. So a little note; I am going to work on the rest of this story for the next few weeks. The whole thing. During this time I will not update. When i do start updating, every chapter will be ready so i will be able to update every week and wont disappear again without warning. I think this system will work better to ensure you get an update every week once i start updating again. If this system works then who knows, i may even write some books after She Was Like Magic is complete! :)

Hope you are having a beautiful week

Love always,

Fifi 🥀