She Was Like Magic ✓

Chapter 16: Bits and Pieces

Sierra 

Hey, whats up between you and Ari? He is more broody and moody than usual. Did he do something wrong? And are you okay?

Sent. Received. 

I'm fine Franco, thanks for asking. No he didnt do anything. Shit is just complicated. We can talk about it later. Face to face

Sent. Delivered. 

Okay. Whenever youre ready

Sent. Received. 

I sighed as I flung my phone in front of me on my bed. It was nice of him but he was Ari's friend at the end of the day. Nobody would understand. Nobody would get why I had done what I had done and put some distance between Ari and I without having to go into detail and that was not an option.

Why was this such a mess? And why was it so hard to actually let go of this and get over it? For Ari and I it sounded like an ordeal that we hadn't prepared would be so overbearing. Why was it such a struggle? We hadn't even slept together yet. The only consolation in this was that Ari was having just as a hard time as I was. And that shouldn't have been comforting at all when our paths were diverging but somewhere it was exactly what I needed to give me some peace that I wasn't alone in feeling like this was a huge thing. It meant it wasn't just a huge thing in my head. It was huge, for reasons I couldn't fathom but it was. 

I sat there on my bed feeling like shit. I hadn't felt like this in a long time or hadn't let myself feel like this in so long, not pausing to ever dwell on this emotion too much. But here it was, as stark as ever and I knew there was no escaping it this time. I don't know how or why I fell into this trap or why it was so difficult when I actually mentally felt better than this feeling swimming around me. 

Was I actually okay? How could I be feeling fine and then suddenly so trapped at times? Or was I just making myself feel like I should be feeling better, pressurising myself to get over this before I was ready? Why did I have to be so perfect all the time? And why was it so hard to emulate what I wanted to feel when it came to this of all things? 

I had no idea where to start, where to get up from this. Every time I tried a tactic it felt like it would work until I spiralled back into this feeling of struggle and like I wasn't over this. A new tactic every time one failed, but here I was still not over it. 

I let out a huff and leaned back falling onto my bed. But the real tell I wasn't over this was when I went down to sit with my roommates the other day and Zack was joking with me saying how I couldn't be a good girlfriend to Zack being my boyfriend because I was ignoring him nowadays and I flipped. Instead of laughing and returning a snide remark in humour I started getting angry and shouting at him about how I was a good friend and good at whatever relationships were in my life and hence all the roles I needed to be for people in my life. As soon as the silence fell upon us all, I realised I had fucked up big time. People saw a tiny crack in my perfect girl aura and I couldn't believe I had done that. I apologised straight away and hugged Zack telling him it was due to assignments and uni stress. He was forgiving and let it go immediately. Me? I couldn't let it go. I wasn't so forgiving to myself. I still hadn't forgiven myself and I knew it would take me a long time to. 

That was the biggest sign that no matter how much I told myself I was over it and fine, I wasn't. 

I growled as I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. How long was this going to take? What was actually going to work? What was going to get me over this when it actually didn't seem that big of a deal now that time had passed? 

FUCK. Why are you thinking of this so much Sierra?! 

"Because you can't get over it you idiot!" I whisper-screamed at myself.