What is love anymore?

Remus realises he fucked up

-Meanwhile-

Remus' pov-

I sat there shocked at what Sirius had said before he had run out of the room, my heart dropped, I had betrayed him so many times. I looked to James, who looked annoyed. Great, I've hurt my two best friends. Do I even have friends anymore?

"Prongs I-"

"Don't 'Prongs I-' me. He was barely dead when you moved on. Seriously Remus? I'm gonna go find him. Lils you coming?" James spoke, cutting me off, but I deserve no less.

When Lily nodded he left the room with Lily in tow. I bit my lip as they left, trying to hold back my tears, I had ruined everything. I could feel Dora's eyes on me as I curled into a tight ball.

"I'm so stupid, I screwed everything up," I whimpered as Dora put her hand on my shoulder gently.

"Remmy you're not stupid, it's not your fault if you choose to move on, he betrayed your trust with what happened the night Lily and James died," She was trying to comfort me but that thought made me sob.

"He didn't betray me that night, it was Peter and you know that as well as I do. That he went away for a crime he didn't commit then helped me and Sophia through the full moon once he broke out. He was everything to me, I moved on looking for comfort. He's right though, I betrayed him when he was in Azkaban. I gave myself to people who needed to relieve their sexual frustrations, I wasn't faithful. But I went straight back into his arms when he came back, and then I moved on right after his death, we were meant to have a private dinner that night when we got word from Snape. Sirius had just said he wanted to ask me something, after we heard from Snape he said it could wait. I think he was going to ask me to marry him or something like that which makes it worse! Oh god what have I done? I broke his heart. I broke him. I love him so much still. Fuck I love Sirius Black and he hate me. I hurt him so much he'll never forgive me. I need to try to fix this, I need to find him," I pulled away from Dora and ran looking for Sirius calling his name.

That was before I saw Lily rushed into a room. I rushed to the door but neither entered or made my presence known by standing in view of those inside of the room. Yes, I eavesdropped, so what?

"Sirius, are you okay? what's wrong now?"

"Yeah I guess Lils, but I don't want to be here, Neville's gonna ask if I can share a room with Fred Weasley instead. I can't bear going back to that room, looking at them, it will break me even more. Remus and the girls were the reason I kept fighting because of my innocence. He, the girls and Harry kept me going for those twelve years. He wasn't even faithful, Mad-Eye and Molly told me when the Order started back up again, he gave himself away like a prostitute to anyone he could. Then he came back to me when I got out like nothing happened while I was in there, how can I trust him ever again? Andy was my favourite cousin and her daughter helped to ruin my life, my death and my second life, what do I do anymore? One of my main fighting forces is long gone, never to return. The ring is way too old to return. Can someone please hide it somewhere I will never find it? Or give it to someone? I can't bear looking at it or think about it much longer," I peered in and watched as Alice picked up a ring box and handed it to Neville.

"Please find someone who can use it that you can trust not to damage it," Neville nodded, putting the box into his pocket for safekeeping, smiling at his mother though it likely hid his fear and worry.

"I will mum, I'll go talk to one of the healers about the room change, I'll be back soon," Neville hugged his parents and turned to walk out the door.

I tried to hide behind the door but it was too late. He had already seen me and closed the door to the room as he left and pulled me to one side.

"What are you doing? Are you trying to hurt him even more?" His questions shocked Remus but I straightened up and looked at him. Remus should have expected this, Neville was always protective over Harry and his family, with Harry's protection in return.

"Actually I wanted to apologise for how badly I fucked up a bit after listening in, I know that if I try I'll hurt him more and he'll hate me even more, my attempts for comfort ruined Sirius' trust and love for me. I still love him but I fucked up too badly to ever be forgiven. It even ruined my friendship with James. Harry was supportive of me and Dora, he didn't notice how me and Sirius acted like we had taken Lily and James' places as his parents. He never noticed that we shared a room or anything. I don't deserve forgiveness but, I haven't told Dora this but I don't want to be married to her, I only married her because I was pressured and I knocked her up with Teddy. She made herself look like Sirius when I had been drinking, I genuinely thought it was him. I know I fucked up and I'm a wanker and a tosser or whatever people say these days," Remus spoke.

Neville said nothing just walked away annoyed and walked to a healer out of ear shot before returning to the room and spoke to Sirius. Before leading him as well as Lily and James out and in the opposite direction to where I was stood.

I deflated, feeling defeated and returned to where Dora was to tell her that we should end our relationship and that I wanted a divorce. She agreed begrudgingly but understood why.