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March 19, 2011

Journal Entry #1 Kim SeokJin

Mr. Wang wasn't surprised when we told him that none of us have written in the journal. This is probably the first and last time I write in here. It just feels like a pointless way to cope over your death. That sentence was hard to write, it still brings me pain thinking about it. I don't think the pain in my heart will ever go away. The nightmares are still as horrible but they're not daily anymore.

  Every morning after a nightmare, I stand in front of the door to your room hoping you're on the other side of it. But you're never there and will never be there. Sometimes I sleep on your bed to stare at ceiling and the many pictures you took. I still feel guilty but I'm slowly understanding that it wasn't fully my fault. I was one of the causes. I kicked you out of the house without letting you explain yourself. I didn't bother listening to you. I let you leave without a second thought and I regret it.

  Mr. Wang told me yesterday on my solo therapy session that I will always feel guilty but will forgive myself later on in life. I cook every morning in order to stop thinking about the what ifs. I practice at BigHit during the afternoons when Namjoon locks himself in the studio. There's days where we all avoid each other knowing we're looking for someone to blame. Someone to yell at and punch to please the pain in our hearts.

  Y/n, my sweet beautiful cupcake,  miss you so much. I miss seeing you come downstairs for breakfast while rubbing your tired eyes. I miss hearing your laugh whenever I made a joke or kicked Namjoon out of the kitchen. I wish you were here to make your dream come true. I wish you could still be alive. But you're not here. You'll never come back. I won't see you till my life comes to an end.

  Knowing you, you're probably with your mom watching us live to achieve our dream. I'll let go of this guilt someday. I'll forgive myself at some point. I will always remember you. You will always be in my heart, Y/n.

My cupcake.
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March 28, 2011

Journal Entry #1 Kim Namjoon

I finally had the guts to write in this journal. Jin told me that he hid his at the bottom of the closet after he wrote in it. He did feel a bit better after writing in it but doesn't like looking back at his only entry. He's cooking breakfast right now while Kookie emptily stares at the TV. I'm laying on mt bed with the lights turned off. Only the bit of sunlight from the window is illuminating me at the moment.
 
   The dark makes feel closer to you. It reminds me of the many nights we watched movies or documentaries about the planet. I haven't been able to see the rest of the episodes to our favorite documentary. I'll end up crying halfway through it. I have another session with Mr. Wang today. He's probably going to tell me that I have to watch the documentary at some point. Too take time but to also go outside to my old walks.
 
    Y/n, do you remember the random afternoons I'll have my walks through the city. I stopped because I always ended up at the Han River. Remembering the day you called me to help you. The day I failed to save you. The day I arrived to late and saw you jump but my idiotic self ran into the apartment. If I had been faster or if I had payed close attention to who was on the bridge,  I could have saved you.

  I can't stop thinking about the what ifs and I hate it. I hate thinking about the what ifs because I know that no matter how many what ifs come to mind. None of them will bring you back. I went to visit the monster yesterday...your asshole of a father. I know it isn't good for me to go see him, Mr. Wang has told me many times to stay away. But I need to see that monster.

  I need to focus all of blame on him and not Jin or the others. I did punch him last week during a visit. I punched him multiple times and the guards didn't stop me. I know I shouldn't be visiting the bastard who harmed you but it pleases me, seeing him so broken. Jail has done a number on him and it makes me feel satisfied that he is paying for his crimes. You could say that it's my way of coping. After my session with Mr. Wang today. I'll try my best to avoid visiting that slimy bastard. It won't do me any good having so much hate inside of me.

  I'll ask Jin to watch the documentary with me tonight. I don't want to be alone while watching it. Y/n, I miss you and I'm sorry for not getting there on time. You're like my other little sister and I want you to take my last name. Kim. If you were here I'm sure you wouldn't like being Lee Y/n. It's that monsters last name after all. In my heart you are my wonderful sister who left too early. My best friend and sister, wish me luck at my session today. Jin's calling me, I have to eat then head to Mr. Wangs office.

I miss you.

Kim Y/n.
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April 10, 2011

Journal Entry #1 Park Jimin

I cry everyday. I cry at the therapy sessions with Mr. Wang. I cry while showering. I cry when the house is empty and the others are out avoiding each other. I cry in the middle of the night at the practice room after everyone has left. Kookie is getting quieter and we're worried that he's not able to cope over your death. He hasn't been eating for a while, it scares us. That's why I cry when I'm alone. I want the others to see me "coping" in order for them to be motivated and keep going to therapy.

  They all want to drop it. They feel as if it isn't helping but I've seen their process. I've seen them slowly forgive themselves. I've forgiven myself for what I did because I know you would hate seeing me full of guilt. I cry because I miss you. I cry because you should be here with us, enjoying life. I cry because I didn't notice how broken you were. How well you hid your pain. Of course I still think of what I should I have done different for you to stay but I understand that it's in the past.

  No matter how much I beg and pray you won't come back to us. I can't change what's happened. It hurts not hearing your voice and laughter in the house. I make sure to clean your room every other day and make tour bed after one of the members cries themselves to sleep. Sometimes it's me who cries himself to sleep in your room.
 
  Hoseok usually stands by the door for a few minutes and walks away. He hasn't gone in for a while now. But I always go inside and stare at bedroom. I can still see your golden blond hair all tangled up after a long nap. It makes me smile at the memory. I've noticed that your memories slowly make me smile more than cry.

Thinking of that day on March 19, 2008 makes me cry like a baby. Thinking about the day at school when Jennie fooled us all makes me scream in agony. But your memories of when you were happy around and with us makes me smile. It feels me with jou and satisfaction that at least we made you happy before you left.

I miss you Y/n. We all miss you so much.