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March 19, 2012

Journal Entry #1 Kim Taehyung

I don't hate myself anymore. I still hate what I did to you in 2008. I still hate my old self for harming you with violence instead of listening to you. I hate my past self but my present self has learned and is making himself go on the rode of recovery. I decided to act hyperactive and bubbly like my child self and its helping me cope.
 
  I wish you were here to see me hoping about but I know that you're watching me from up there. I know you've forgiven me for my horrible mistake all those years ago. I know you loves us and want us to be happy like your last message said. It's actually 3 AM right now, I couldn't sleep knowing that in a few hours we're going to visit you.

  Honey Bear, it's been four years since you left. Four years without you by our side. Let me tell you about my day yesterday. I woke up full of energy and looked at the frame photo that I have of us. It made miss you so much more and gave me more energy to make my day brighter than ever. Jin hyung didn't want my help for cooking but appreciated the question. I just watched him from the doorway as he cooked.

  Kookie has been looking more lively ever since I decided to be my old bubbly self. He actually talking to us more and joining me in my afternoon jogs on the weekends. Yoongi hyung usually comes trudging down the stairs complaining​ of the morning light. Suga hasn't been popping out for a long time. I still notice some things that Suga used to do in Yoongi now. Its like they merged together throughout time.

  Namjoon hyung is spending less time locked in his studio and has been taking Jin hyung on many dates. Jimin and I helped Hobi hyung take a step inside your room. He broke down at the sight of the pictures Jimin put up after your second death anniversary. We stayed with him and hugged it out. He now spends more time in your room laying on the bed hugging a stuff animal. Sometimes I lay down next to him and listen to his stories of you.

  He misses you like the rest of us do. He still loves you and Yoongi does too. We're slowly healing and forgiving ourselves. Mr. Wang told me that maybe by next year we'll all be over the guilt and smile at your memories. We won't cry over the memories but smile happily that we got to live them with you. School is so weird now. It's only Jimin, Jungkook and I going to school. The others are in college.

  BangPD is telling us that we'll debut soon if we keep going like we are at the moment. He sees so much potential in us. He sometimes talks to us about the few times he was able to see you practice at the studio. He misses you even if he didn't get to know you in person much. The pain of your death will always be there in my heart bit knowing you're happy up there makes it feel better.

It's almost 4 AM, my eyes are itching with sleepiness. I'll end this entry here. I just wanting to write in this journal at least once in my life. Mr. Wang, was in disbelief when I told him that I haven't looked at this journal since the day he gave it to us. And here I am at 4 AM writing my first and last entry in this journal. I'm going to sleep till it's time for me to get up once again.

I love and miss you.

Honey Bear.
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May 1, 2012

Journal Entry #1 Jeon Jungkook

I was going down a dark spiral Jagi. It was like I wasn't there with my hyungs it scared me after a year. It wasn't living. I wasn't coping and I wanted to cope for you and me. You didn't want me to lose myself in the guilt. I scared my hyungs with how quiet I got after a while. I blankly stared at the TV screen for too long without blinking during that time.

  I missed and still miss you to much. I couldn't deal with it at the beginning. The therapy sessions weren't working. I didn't want to talk nor write in this dumb journal and look at me now. I'm going to the movies tonight with the rest of my hyungs to watch whatever seems fun. Mr. Wang made me pick up painting again when I didn't speak during the sessions for a month. He told me that during the first group therapy session that painting seemed to have helped me at that time.

  He made me paint with so many colors on different days. Mondays I could only use red, black, and white. Tuesdays I could only use green, grey, and brown. Wednesday I could only use blue, pink, and gold. And so on but by the third month of me painting in silence he switched the paint with glittery paint and colorful fake feathers. I buries myself in art every session with Mr. Wang and when I got home I would lose myself in dance.
 
  Jimin-ssi practice along with me when Hobi hyung wasn't feeling all that energized. Art helped me let go of the guilt I had over losing you and pushing you away when you needed me most. Art helped me cope. It made me feel happier with being around my hyungs and out in public for a small jog with Taehyung.

  I started talking again in the beginning of 2012. Yoongi hyung cracked a small smile at hearing me speak during dinner. He lets me stay in his studio whenever the house is empty. He gives me a few snacks before he loses himself to his music. Jin hyung sometimes brings gifts for me after his dates with Namjoon hyung.

  Ooooh, that reminds me! A few nights ago Namjoon hyung asked me and Jimin for advice on the beauty of the engagement ring. We told him that Jin would love it even if it was a ring pop. I have to go to school in an hour. I miss seeing you in the hallways being dragged by TaeTae everywhere.

   Y/n, I miss you and still love you. I hope you're happy wherever you are and that you're happy for us. We miss you.

Your Kookie 🍪