Spiral ~ A Story By CuteCandy10

Chapter Nineteen, No-One Can See Tears In The Dark

Miara's POV

The flashing lights burnt my eyes as we go through the gates. Lola drags us over to the ferris wheel and goes on to a seat with Lilith and Reuben and I go on the one behind them. The workers make sure everyone's securely sat in place and pulls the lever to start the ferris wheel. Reuben's arm finds it's way to my waist and pulls me in so I can be closer to him.

"Honestly, I don't know what to say. I'm just so relieved that you're actually alive," He says, taking in the silence of being at the top of the ferris wheel. He sighs deeply as he tilts his head up to the velvet sky.

"But am I? I can't exactly live when everyone treats me like I'm 'broken'" I hiss, getting slightly pissed. I feel like someone was stabbing my stomach but I know it's actually just me dying slowly. Even with the medication and therapy I'm still starving myself. I know I could try other methods but is it all worth it? Right now, I would do anything.

"Miara, don't be like that. You know that we are all just trying to help."

"Like I'm supposed to believe that? I know that people just say things like that to seem like a good person! They wouldn't care if I jumped off this ferris wheel...," I look down to see how far we are off the ground. It probably would kill me. I shiver as a breeze of chilly air hits my arms. Fun fact, anorexia makes you extremely cold all the frigging time.

"Think about how lucky you are. You've survived this twice! I can't lose another person to this!" Reuben replies to me. As he says that last sentence I feel my heart drop.

"W-what do you mean?" I ask, cautiously. His chocolate eyes look straight through me. It's like he can read my thoughts.

"My older brother died from anorexia nervosa, Miara," He says as his eyes suddenly become dull. My hand covers my mouth in shock. I lean my head on his shoulder whilst holding his hand.

"How old were you?" I choke out, silently after a few minutes. I don't want to seem nosy but of course I always am.

"11, h-he was only 16," He whispers just loud enough for me to hear. It's like he's trying his hardest not to burst out into tears.

"Hey.. you don't have to talk about it. I'm always here. I am your girlfriend after all."

He wipes his eyes even though there is no visible tears and turns my face to face him again. He leans in and he closes the gap between us. The kiss is soft and sweet. As we pull away our cart is at the bottom and we have to leave our seats. We meet up with the girls and walk around. I see a game where you have throw a ball and hit a bottle to get a stuffed toy. I know it's childish but it wouldn't hurt to try, would it? I give the man standing beside it four pounds which is equivalent to six balls. I throw the first ball but it didn't hit any of them, it stopped quite far away from it. I hand Reuben a ball and he hits one of the bottles at the back. He picks a small koala bear toy as I hand Lilith and Lola a ball each. Lilith goes next and hits a bottle at the front. She picks out a small Christmas decoration in the shape of a reindeer. Lola goes next but she throws too hard so the ball hits the back of the tent. She shrugs and pulls us away to another stall. We carry on for a hour or two until we finally decide to walk home. We laugh and crack jokes as we stumble back to our houses. We drop off Lola first and we watch as she climbs up a ladder to get to her room. She wasn't actually allowed to go to the carnival so she set up a ladder and since it was so dark you couldn't see it anyway. Reuben, Lilith and I carry it back over to where usually stays.

We leave Lilith off next, her house two houses away. She fiddles with her keys as she tries to find the right one. Lilith, unlike her girlfriend's, parents didn't mind her being a lesbian so they let her go out with her if she wanted. She waves as we walk away from her white fence outside her house. There is a moment of silence as Reuben and I walk away from Lilith's home but it's not awkward. Well, not as awkward as it has been since the ferris wheel incident. We walk for another ten minutes until we reach his house. We get to his gate to get to his garden when he turns to me.

"Will you promise me something Miara?" He asks, softly.

"Always," I respond, my hand suddenly shaking in the cold. Reuben brings his right hand to my left cheek and looks deep in my emerald eyes. He moves his head close to mine as I tilt my head up to his, bring are lips millimetres apart.

"Don't hurt yourself again," He whispers, his thumb lightly rubbing the corner of my cheek.

"I Promise," That's just a promise begging to be broken.

Our lips touch as I wrap my bony arms around his neck. We kiss passionately for a minute before we pull away. My remains of my lipstick has slightly stained his lips a darker colour. We say our goodbyes and he goes into his house. I trudge away to my home and unlock the door. I see a yellow sticky-note stuck on the door to the kitchen. I remove the sticky-note from the door as I read Katelyn's handwriting.

I won't be back home until midnight at the earliest. I'm going out with a few friends. Don't worry about me, there is plenty of stuff in the fridge and Winnie is already been taken care of. She's in her cage, try your best not to wake her.

Love,
Katelyn

Great, I can't get to the kitchen because Winnie is in there. It's either go to the living room or my bedroom. I suppose it's best if I go to my room. I move over to my bedroom door and open it instead. I look into the dim lit, freezing room. I lift up my makeup bag and rummage through it. There it is. I pick up the black razor as I stare at the metal blade. I hike up the sleeves of my dress to reveal the faint lines of my previous cuts. I told Reuben I wouldn't, but I have to. It's an addiction. Besides I was such a wimpy bitch at the carnival and Pizza Express, honestly. I deserve this, the pain, the hatred, the aches. I deserve it all. I bring the sharp blade closer to my pale skin. My hand shakes uncontrollably as it slits into my arm, making red marks all over my arm. I stop, catching my breath. I just realised that I was holding my breath causing me to pant. I wash the cut better than all the other times I've done this. I roll my sleeves back down as I wince at the soft fabric touching my now sensitive skin. I sit down, my back leaning against the cold wall. My head thrusts backwards and hits the wall, causing were I have hurt it previously to start to ache. I see red, red, red and more red. The room spins as tears drift from my eyes down to my porcelain cheeks. I stand up, still bawling my eyes out. Looking at myself in Katelyn's mirror, I spurt out another wave of tears. My reflection stares at me in disgust.

I hate it.

I hate myself.

Why can't I be dead already?

I scream at the person in the mirror, at myself.

I don't want to be you anymore.

I repeat those words over and over and over again until I make my voice ache. I kick the mirror with all my might. Luckly, it doesn't break, I'm too weak for that. I fall down on to the cold, hard ground, unintentionally. I curl up into a ball, not even bothering to move. Katelyn's keys are heard from her room, the room I was in.
I slowly stand up, rubbing at the tear stains on my face.

"Miara!" She screams as she notices the red lines on my arms and the previous ones on my legs as I had ripped them off. "What have you done!"

She cradles me in her arms, as if I was young again. She carrys my body on to her bed, carefully. She runs out for a second, not telling me why, so I take the opportunity to sit up. I was previously in a position that wouldn't hurt me but now the duvet was covering my freshly cut arms, making them sting. She comes back with some bandages.

"Oh Miara, I should of had someone look after you."

"Don't bother, it'll only make things worse," I say, my voice becoming hoarse.

Fall apart twice a day.

CuteCandy10
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