Sex Metal Barbie // lashton

chapter twenty-seven

Ashton felt tears fill his eyes as he looked at the back of Luke's head, a heavy feeling settling in his stomach. He felt like he could throw up as the silence between them crawled under his skin and clawed at his throat.

"I was seven-seventeen." He told him, his voice breaking as he saw Luke run his hands through his hair. "Fresh in America. Still illegal. He-He pushed me into a bathroom stall and... and shoved his belt in my mouth. He told me he liked my accent and-and his daughters liked my music. He was seeing me the next day with his girls."

Ashton set a hand over his mouth as he remembered the day he was limping on stage because he wasn't allowed a day off. Even after explaining what happened to his management, he had to sit and perform to him and his two daughters standing in the front row. And his wife was beside him, smiling, probably not knowing what had happened and she probably never will.

"It was bad, Luke. I was so afraid of people. I-I never let anyone in, and when I was nineteen one of my own crew members, she tried touching me and then blamed me when she lost her job. I cut everyone off after that. I ran off tour. I hurt myself." He choked out. "They haunt me everyday, and that's why sometimes I can't touch you or I can't let you touch me. It hurts."

Luke turned around to look at him, But Ashton was crying so hard he couldn't see him. He couldn't see those eyes full of salt water or notice how he was approaching him.

"My ex didn't help either. He made me feel like I was... I was that man and that woman, like a monster. It takes a toll on somebody." He recalled the nights he stayed up making a list to see if he was playing victim again or if he was the problem all this time.

"And tonight, I was drinking a little bit yeah, but this guy came up to me and-and he grabbed me. He said I was too handsome to be alone. He tried... He tried kissing me, and he wouldn't leave when I told him off. He cussed me out when he was dragged out by the arm, and-and I just feel so dirty." He sobbed, biting into the flesh of his arm as he turned away from him.

He didn't feel his hands, but he felt his presence beside him. The heat of his body and the ghost of his hands almost as if he wanted to touch him but wasn't sure if he should. The hesitancy rolled off in waves, and it crashed against him like he was a shore.

He shook his head as he wiped his eyes furiously. "And I get if you think I'm -"

"- Ash, -"

"-no, I know. I'm disgusting. I'm fucked up. I'm-I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm -"

"- one of the best people I've ever met." Luke finished and Ashton shook his head as he seen the blurry outline of his figure. "It's not your fault."

"I'm sorry." He whispered and he felt Luke slowly, almost carefully, wrap his arms around his waist. "It's really not you, I just don't feel comfortable being touched right now."

"Hey, it's okay." Luke promised him as he grabbed his jaw gently, immediately letting go when he realized what he was doing. "I understand. Don't worry about me. I'm worried about you..."

Ashton looked up at Luke and then nodded as he reached up to grab his hand. He held it shakily, squeezing his fist tightly before cradling it to his chest. "What did I do, in my twenty-four years of sinning, to deserve you?" He asked and Luke smiled.

"I'm not all that great either, Ash." He admitted. "I pretend to be cocky because I'm... I'm actually really insecure inside and have a massive codependency issue."

"Guess we're both fucked up." Ashton tried smiling but it didn't quite go far enough to look like a grin.

Luke nodded and Ashton wrapped an arm around Luke's shoulder. He slowly inched his fingers further and further into his back before pulling him chest to chest and burying his face into his neck.

"I'm glad you told me." Luke commented softly as Ashton felt his tense muscles slowly relax. "I'm glad you trust me enough to talk to me about this."

"I don't like it." He practically ignored his statement as he stared at his couch.

"What don't you like?"

"When you say no but mean yes when we have sex." He clarified. "I can't do that. I'm sorry. I-I know it's something you enjoy, and I tried once, but it feels wrong. I have to draw a line there."

"No, no it's fine." Luke assured him as he pulled away and looked him in his eyes. "See? This is what communication does. We can talk things through and get better together. So if you don't like that, we don't have to do that. It's okay."

"And I lied." He finally confessed. "When you asked me if I trusted myself with knife play and I told you 'yes', I lied. I'm sorry. I just wanted to be good enough for you and I-I thought I could convince us both that I was if I lied."

Luke nodded as he chewed on his lip. "I know you did, but you don't have to lie to me. Not only does it put us in danger for things like that, but you don't have to prove yourself to me."

He nodded and Luke smiled. "Are you okay now?" He asked and Ashton shrugged as he sniffled.

"I-I'm not, but I feel better, I guess." He replied and Luke kissed his forehead.

"Good enough for me. Let's go to bed, yeah? Tonight's heavy, tomorrow will be better." He said, and for once, Ashton believed it.