A Rock and a Hard Place

Before You Change Your Mind

I flinched as the side door slammed shut. Taze, Juan, and I all sat in silence for a moment and kept our gazes down.

The talk we'd had with Jerry hadn't gone well, to put it nicely. I let Taze and Juan drive the conversation while I sat in the metaphorical backseat. Jerry would've been the roadkill of this metaphor. When Taze said he was getting kicked out it took him a minute to even process that we'd all come to that decision.

Jerry went through all the phases like a checklist. He denied his alcoholism, claiming the night before and the headache stopping him from raising his voice were special circumstances. Then he got angry, pointing fingers at me and trying to say that this had been my plan all along. I was a "conspirator," and he even used that word. He said I couldn't kick him out, that the band was nothing without a singer and they could replace me in an instant. Almost unbelievably, Taze and Juan defended me from one of their best friends and put the blame back on him.

Then came the bargaining. I'd never seen such a dramatic display in my life, and I worked at the high school theater. He literally got on his knees, telling Juan that he'd change and that he wouldn't have a single drop of alcohol before or at any of their sets anymore. He tried to appeal to the fact that the three of them had been friends since the fifth grade. He tried saying he acted so stupidly because of "the shit in his head." But our resolve hadn't changed.

Incredibly, Jerry pulled a beer from the fridge and chugged the entire thing as depression swept through him. He started crying, but to be honest had his head not been raging I don't think he would've allowed that much emotion in front of us. He cried about how betrayed he felt, and at that I almost saw Juan slip. He had been squirming the entire time, barely looking Jerry in the eye when he spoke. I knew it was hard for both of them, but at least Taze was grounded in his decision. I was convinced if Jerry asked Juan one more time for one more chance Juan would've given it to him.

And finally there was acceptance as Jerry looked at the three of us at the table, gave us a triumphant "fuck you guys", and left.

I pulled a cigarette from the pack Jerry had forgotten on the table, and the boys followed suit. I simultaneously loved how in sync we were but hated that the only thing that would make us feel better after that conversation was a cigarette.

"So what happens next?" I asked, but then I laughed. None of us knew what to do next and it was silly to have asked.

Taze sort of chuckled too while Juan just took another drag. "I guess we find another singer," Taze reasoned.

"How are we supposed to find another singer like Jerry?" Juan asked. His nerves were starting to show in his voice. "Jerry was the reason our band is half as popular as it is. After the shit he pulled yesterday and the fact that he's gonna tell—"

"Jerry won't tell anyone right away," Taze interrupted. "He'll be too ashamed. We have some time before the news gets around."

"And what about the show next Saturday?" Juan started again. "We're gonna' have to call and cancel or find a new singer by then. Either way they're gonna know—"

"Geez, who sounds like the conspiracy theorist now?" I asked, flicking the ash of my cigarette into the ashtray. "'They'? Who's they? And why are we so worried about what they think?"

"Don't patronize me, Ronnie," Juan sighed. "The people. The crowd. Our fans, I guess." He took another drag. "The people who come to our shows to see us. A lot of them come to see Jerry, not just the people in the background. There's no way we can find another singer like Jerry before Saturday and we've already determined we don't want him back. So yeah, I'm worried what they will think."