I luv u ; joeybirlem

14

( play music ; idk how long it will last but play it out )
I was driving as fast as I could . I could t help but think about what I've caused . I didn't mean for any of this to happen , really , but it did and now I want nothing to do with myself . I hate myself and everything I've done to him , I love him . So much . i would honestly do anything for the kid , hes sick ? im on my way with soup and some christmas movies . he needs a ride ? i'm leaving the school now to take him to wherever he needs to go . he needs someone to talk to ? " bye mrs.Anderson , family emergency , ill finish my test tomorrow during lunch ! " like i said , i'd do literally anything for him because hes such a big part of my life and i just CANNOT lose him , especially not like this . no way .

***

I rushed into the building and to the woman at the desk .

" floor c room 256 "

I rushed to the elevator and pressed the c button so many times . It went up and the doors opened , I ran down the hall all the way to his room already in tears . What have I done . I got there and I hesitated to even knock but I did , I have to see him , I had to talk to him and tell him how i feel . i love him . so much .

I found his room and slowed down my pace . I tried to catch my breath but I just couldn't , I felt so guilty , I felt as if all of this was somehow my fault . I knocked lightly and the nurse opened the door , she smiled at me and rubbed my shoulder assuring me he would be okay before she walk out and left me and joeys almost lifeless body in the room . I pulled up a chair and sat next to his bed , I couldn't help but cry . I grabbed his hand and looked at him laying there with so many IV's connected to him , his eyes were closed so softly and he looked so peaceful .

" joey , wake up please "

I shook him a little and tapped on his arm , he moved and opened his eyes now looking at me .

" hey "

His voice was raspy and he sounded so hurt .

" I'm so so sorry , I didn't mean to hit you at all , I didn't mean for any of this to happen but why Joseph ? Why ? "

" I'm sorry "

" no I am , i shouldn't have even laid a hand on you . if it's not okay for a man to hit a woman it's not okay for a woman to hit a man . I feel so bad I didn't mean to cause any of this for you . you're such a sweet boy and just a fuck up , I'm too toxic to be in your life , I don't even know why you still want me in it for crying out loud joey you tried to kill yourself because of me "

at that point I couldn't contain myself any longer , i started bursting out in tears and I couldn't breathe , I knew it . I was having an anxiety attack . oh god , this is not good . i stood up and started pacing myself back and forth , my thoughts were killing me and I was overthinking the simplest things . thats it , thats when it finally hit me and i fell to the ground . the last thing i remember hearing was joeys raspy voice yelling for the nurse and bam , i was out like a light .

***

I woke up and I was in a hospital bed , there were IV's in my arm and I had a breathing tube in my nose . what the hell happened ? I thought to myself . i was surrounded but a curtain and i heard someone else on the other side of it , they were breathing heavily and it sounded not so comfortable . i slowly sat up and pulled the curtain around me to reveal joey , laying there sleeping so soundly . I called his name and woke him up , what happen and why was i laying in a hospital bed in the same room as joey ?

" joey wake up ! "

" what "

" what happen and why am i here ? "

" you fainted after having a serious anxiety attack "

" how bad ? "

" pretty bad haha , you were pacing back and forth in front of my bed and then boom , you fell on the floor and were out , i yelled for the nurse and they tranfered us into the same room because i didnt want to leave you alone and i wanted you to be with me while we were both in this stupid tall building of death . "

i chuckled and layed back down loooking up at the celling .

" im sorry "

" its okay , this isn't really your fault . i kinda messed up in the first place . "

i sighed , i love him so much and we both really messed up , i hate thinking about everything that happen and led up to both of us in these hospital beds . i decided to change the subject because it got really quiet after he said that , we'll talk about this when were not laying down in the fucking hospital .

" so when are we gonna get relesed out of here ? "

" they said they wanted to check your vitals first and see if you're healthy enough to leave , they're also gonna do this little physical test on you and stuff just to make sure youre okay , they asked me if they could first and of course i said yes . oh and they're also going to contact your pharmacist to perscribe you some pills to help you cope with your anxiety , that way you wont be contaly fainting everywhere "

he laughed and i laughed with him . yep , this is the love of my life right here .

Joseph Matthew Birlem , I love you and I wouldn't trade your pure heart for the world but please , don't leave me .