Because I had you

Nine

Alyssa and I were waiting outside her room, holding hands, hoping and praying that Aubrey makes it out of this. Doctor Stevens walks out of the room and we look up at him with hopeful eyes.

He looks at Alyssa and shakes his head no slowly. "We tried everything we can," Alyssa covers her mouth, "but we weren't able to get her heart rate back up and unfortunately she didn't make it." I felt my whole world crumble as I let go of Alyssa's hand, sitting back in the bench, looking at nothing in particular as my eyes widen and my breathing stops. I literally felt my heart break.

The doctor kept talking but it felt like I was in a nightmare. I stood up pushing past the doctor slowly as I walked in the room and see the nurses look at me. I walked over to Aubrey's body and took her hand in my own. "Baby?" I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I was hoping she would just open her eyes and tell me that she's still here and that everything was going to be okay. But she didn't move. She didn't twitch her hand. I looked at the monitor and there was just a line. No "bump" indicating  that her heart was beating.

"No!" I yelled. I went over to the doctor, "FUCKING FIX HER!" Alyssa pulled me back. "Shawn!" She held me back with tears in her eyes. I tried to get away from her but she didn't let me go. "No, no, no, no, no!" I fell to the floor, balling my eyes out. Alyssa sat next to me, hugging me and I felt like this wasn't real. "This isn't fucking happening, wake me up! Please!" My mouth was open but no sounds were coming out and I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. "She can't— I can't— no!" I cried into the floor as Alyssa rubbed my back crying along with me.

*2 months later*
Another night in my house, drinking a whole bottle of scotch with red puffy eyes wishing Aubrey was here. Alyssa walked through the front door, just getting home from her job. Alyssa has decided to stay with me and take care of me since I have had no energy to do anything other than drink.

Alyssa sighed, "Shawn, this has to stop," she threw her purse on the couch. "Can I not fucking grieve?" I scrunched my face at her. I stood up going into the kitchen as she followed me. "You can grieve but it's been two months and all you do is sit at home and drink. This is not healthy!" I rolled my eyes, throwing the empty bottle away grabbing another one. She tried to take it and I threw it at the wall as the glass broke and the scotch went everywhere.

"LET ME FUCKING BE! AUBREY IS GONE AND SHE'S NEVER FUCKING COMING BACK, ALCOHOL IS THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME A FEEL A TINY BIT BETTER!" Alyssa looked terrified. "FUCK!" I yelled grabbing my keys.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"To the bar where they won't yell at me for drinking!"

She came up to me yanking my keys away. "No! You are fucking wasted and if you think I'm letting you behind the wheel of a vehicle, then you are fucking crazy!"

I punched the door, "WHY WONT YOU LET ME BE?"

"Because I fucking care about you, Shawn!" She yelled back, "I don't want what happened to Aubrey to happen to you!" I leaned against the door, sliding down to my bum as I cried. "I can't do this, Alyssa!" She sat next to me, putting her hand on my knee, "I know shawn, but you need to try. Do you think Aubrey would want to see you like this?" I sniffled, "no but she's gone, and there's nothing I can do to get her back," my head was in my hands. "It's going to be okay, I promise," she pulls me in for a hug and I cry against her chest.