Because I had you

Eleven

*2 months ago*
The nerves inside me were going crazy. This is it. This is the funeral. I had to speak in front of Aubrey's friends and family and my friends and family that were close to Aubrey.

"Okay, calm down, Shawn," I told myself. I held the index cards in my hand, as I paced back and forth. I don't know how I was going to make it through this without breaking down. I looked out in the room and everyone was getting into their seats.

I slowly walked out and it got quiet and everyone looked at me. My mom was snuggled up against my dads chest as she held tissues to her face watching me as she cried. My heart broke. I hate seeing my mom upset, it's one of the worst things ever.

I got up to the podium and took in a sharp breath as I felt a breeze on the back of my neck. We were inside and all of the windows were shut and the air was not on. A tear slipped from my eye as I pictured Aubrey standing next to me, putting her hand on my shoulder telling me she loved me. I closed my eyes as another tear slipped.

"Aubrey was my wife," I spoke softly. "She was either your friend or a relative. She was a person who was full of hope. I am a broken man, and my better half is gone. She was beautiful both inside and out, and when she smiled at me I felt like I was alive. I was truly blessed to have a wife who loved me and that I loved so much that it actually hurt. I don't know how I am going to make it without her, but I know she is up there telling me to suck it up. I am trying to honey, but it is hard without you here to keep me on track. I know that everyone here loved her and is going to miss her sweet face as much as I do. I will miss hearing her say, "Good morning dear," and feeling her lips on my cheek every morning. My Aubrey was strong until the end never losing her faith even on some of the most painful days. I have lost my wife and support system, and most of all my best friend. The best part of each day was waking up to find her by my side and the best part of each night was going to sleep knowing she was laying next to me and the best thing about life was knowing no matter how hard it got, how scary it was, or how poor we were, all I had to do was go home, close the door behind me, and see my wife and the sun would shine and nothing else would seem that important any longer."

I felt my tears build up as I thought of her warm smile or her bright energy. Alyssa was nodding her head at me, indicating she was proud of me for making it this far. There were a few people on Aubrey's side crying and holding each other's hands. Aaliyah was trying not to cry as she held our fathers hand.

I sniffled, "um," a tear strolled down my face, "I do not need to tell you about all the good things that "were Aubrey" and I do not need to convince you that she was special cause your being here today tells me she has touched your lives too. I am saddened by my loss. She died too soon. "Why did god take her from me?"  That is what I asked myself when she passed last week. It took this entire week before I realized that I was looking at it all backwards. That I had taken the wrong perspective to examine what had just occurred. Try to imagine with me, if you will, that first day when the spark and fire of love was first felt by me. I went home and thanked the Lord for sending Aubrey to me. Today, I ask all of you to feel the joy and beauty of Aubrey's boundless spirit as we celebrate her truly amazing life. I have never loved anyone as I do Aubrey. Together with all of you here, I thank you all for coming, and pray that you keep her in your heart always,"

I look up towards the ceiling as if I'm talking to Aubrey, "I'll see you soon sweetheart."

*Present time*

"Fuck," I lay in my empty bed where Aubrey used to lay next to me. I would do anything to feel her head on my chest again. I would do anything to hear her little snores again. I would do anything to hold her in my arms again. It's 4am now and it's been like this for 2 months since she passed away.

I can't ever sleep, not without her here. Medication doesn't work, I've tried it. I don't go to bed until the sun comes up and then I get up an hour later because she's in my dreams too. She's everywhere. I lay here in bed watching tv, until I fell asleep, crying.