Because I had you

Twelve

*4 months later*
6 months. 6 months since Aubrey's death. It's been hard but it's getting better. I go to her grave everyday and bring her flowers and just have a "conversation" with her. I miss her so fucking much.
~
"C'mon, Tucker," I pulled on the leash as I walked down the rocky path of the cemetery. "We're going to go talk to mommy."

I took a deep breath as I approached her grave and sat down next to it. "Hey baby," I smiled as Tucker, my two year old husky, laid down putting his head in my lap.

"As you can see, I got a dog; I know you always wanted a male husky and name it Tucker so I did it for you. I take medication daily to help with the allergies, and I'm so so sorry for not doing that when you were here," I shook my head, putting it down. "I was stupid, I know." I looked down at Tucker, petting his head as I smiled.

The air was warm as the sun was setting, making the sky somewhat of an orange. "You would love the sky today," I looked up, "it's beautiful. It's probably you doing that, isn't it?" I smiled, as I chuckled. "You always did appreciate the sky," I made a little grin with my lips as I looked down at Tucker again. "Whenever you told me to look at the sky, I actually don't think I ever did because I was too busy appreciating you and staring at you. You were so much more beautiful than the sky," I sighed shaking my head.  I started playing with the grass.

A tear slipped from my eye as I felt a small breeze, "I miss you too, honey." I gulped, "I need to tell you something," I furrowed my eyebrows, "I met someone. She's really nice, we only started seeing each other a few weeks ago... and she might help me forget, but loving her is something I could never do," I sighed, "because I had you. And I miss you so much, baby. So much," I was crying again.

Tucker whined as he sat up and licked my face and I started laughing as I wiped his saliva off my face. "I love you," I pat him on the head. His tongue was out of his mouth, breathing as he stared at me. "This is your mommy, Tucker," I pointed to the grave and he looked at it and sniffed. He just looked confused and looked at me. I laughed, "I wish you could've met her. She made daddy so so happy." I smiled.

"A part of me hates myself for starting to date again but I know that you're up there telling me to move on, telling me that I deserve to be happy. I'm going to keep trying, honey. These past 6 months have been so fucking hard without you here. I got a job again. After you passed, I quit my job and couldn't stop drinking. There are still nights where I cave and just drink all night and I break but I'm human. I'm trying. But yeah, I got a different, better job. That's where I met Natalie. The girl I'm seeing. I hope you're okay with that. If not, give me a sign and I'll break up with her," I chuckled.

"It's getting late now though, honey. I love you so fucking much and I miss you so fucking much and you will never leave my thoughts or my heart. I'll see you soon, okay? Goodnight, honey. I'll be back tomorrow," I smiled, letting a tear slip from my eye again. I stand up and walk Tucker back to the Jeep and let him hop into the front seat as I drove home.