A journey

Kaleidoscope

I am unsure why I am so emotional these days. I have been thinking hard about the journey that I have taken, it is not that bad I guess. I am certain there are other people whom has had worst. I guess as human I guess I am guilty as to not being satisfied. A couple of weeks back I asked a good friend, what is it that I am looking for? What do I want? The answer I receive was, only you can answer that. No other human being is able to answer it. My heart replied and said "What if I do not know what I want". That retort by my heart makes my brain start to think. The result of the short process was the colors of a kaleidoscope.

Now why when I was thinking of life, the brain shows the colors of kaleidoscope. What is the connection? Well according to Merriam Webster the definition of the word is a tube that has mirrors and loose pieces of colored glass or plastic inside at one end so that you see many different patterns when you turn the tube while looking in through the other end. : a changing pattern or scene. What is important in this definition is the description changing pattern or scene.

Well, what is the relation? My short research on the word has amazed me. It really shows the beauty which the Al mighty (Allah) provides and intended. No wonder he always says if only we learned. Well lets get some insight and Mr. Google has helped to ease the learning process. Wonderful development of technology. Lets look at what aunty flo @auntyflo.com has to say. It says that Kaleidoscope symbolizes escape in time and difficulty. How? Look at the vision that a Kaleidoscope presents (the picture above). We can see that the various colors and forms in a kaleidoscope generates changing symmetrical patterns from small pieces of colored glass. Hence we can see that the kaleidoscope relates and symbolizes anything that changes constantly.

Yes, that make perfect sense. My life is has been constantly changing and will continue to do so. So far I have rise and fall. I have also bleed and burned. Scars are every where. Today I still can concealed it. But tomorrow I am uncertain. I am not sure whether I can be strong enough to withstand the challenges and embraced it like a mighty THOR. I guess I have to as I need to be strong with or without the superpowers for all the people I love i.e my parents, my children, my sisters and the person who holds the key to my heart.

No matter how strong I am, I am only human and some may even say as what the matchmaker in Mulan says "You are just a women". Yes I am a woman who desires are only to be cherish, love, appreciate and accepted as who i am. When I am tired, I just want someone to hug me calm me down and be there with me to fight another day or another battle. At times I do not need solution but just a friendly ear who listen and not only hear. When the going gets though, I just need a shoulder whom I can leaned on so that I can catch a breather especially when i am tired or in despair. Are these too much to ask? I have no answers.

All that I understand is that the world is ever changing and that the environment that I live in is volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous. I guess that is the colors of life. That is the kaleidoscope of life. It is beautiful only when we are able to understand and embrace the wrath which the challenges brings. Will I succeed? I guess base on my experienced, I may not always succeed. I will and have fallen. I am more certain now that in my journey more often than not when i fall, I shall have to pick the pieces and assemble it back to make me whole again. Is it easy. Truthfully it is not.

Embracing challenges and change especially when it concern the matter of the heart is not easy. In my journey I admit I nearly give up. I allowed my heart to die as it could not support any more hurt and scars from continuous stitching. Forgive and forget was no longer an antidote. I am too exhausted and drained from all the condescending, abusive and sarcasm words. I was a zombie. Living for the sake of living. At that point the colors portrays in the kaleidoscope of my journey was black and gray. Nothing was working. It was a mess and destructive.

But today as I looked back, I can sighed with relief. I survive the drowning. I have been given the kiss of life. I am laughing with glee now. The love I received from my loves one especially the one who left and the one who now fills my heart. The love is bursting until it hurts. I am taking it slow, savoring every breath and caress so that it will last. Is it easy? To be honest it is not easy. I have to unlearn certain habits and relearn new life changing habits like not to be over demanding, not to suffocate, provide space and most importantly to learn how to let go.

Hence, all i could say about the kaleidoscope of my life is:

I used to see my life as a failure and blame fate for everything

I now understand that those events are actually the kaleidoscope of my temporary journey

The facets of colors that makes me stronger

The facets of colors that makes me bolder

The facets of colors that makes me able to withstand the wind of change

The facets of colors that makes me a giver and a receiver

The facets of colors that makes me a passionate lover

For without the facet of colors I am not whom i am today

Thank you facets of colors for making my life a wonderful journey