A journey

Love

My Darling Journal, I am very sorry darling for I have been neglecting you for quite some time. You must be thinking that I have neglected you since i found other three new loves. You must have thought that I have forgotten my first Love. No way can I forget my first Love. The one who witness and taught me above Love. Yes, my darling Journal. You are my first Love and the faithful companion whom has not only hear but listen faithfully of my happiness, my cries and woes especially in the year 2018. You have been faithful in this journey waiting patiently as i poured my heart and soul. Thank you darling for always being by my side throughout this part of the journey

Some of the readers of this open journal will think I have lost my mind talking to you like this. I felt that it is befitting that I showed my Love and appreciation to you my darling, much more because the title for the entry of this journal is Love and you see my passion for Love, my heart break, my depression and me raising up again with the help of Love ones which include you my darling Journal.

What is it about Love? Yes, what is the big Hu ha about Love? Well truth be told the word Love is so powerful and it has brought any individual and world at large laughter, tears, anger, frustration, chaos and peace. Since when? Since the beginning of time. Look at the love of Adam for Eve, what was the consequence. Banish from heaven. The World War was a prove of Love for power and peace. Not many sees Love in this prospect, they always associate Love only with romance and feelings for one human being to another. I for one is not foreign with the association. I have been fed from young for a fairy tale romance has always hoped that I will be swept of my feet for unconditional Love. I always dream that my Love story will be as great as Romeo and Juliet or King Arthur and Guinevere. Ha! Ha! Ha! What a dreamer right my dear journal.

In reality my dear journal, my Love life is not that great, Why? May be I let my minds to always be in the clouds, dreaming the for the impossible aiming too high that I fall. Yes, that is the truth. What Dear Journal! You want to hear my side of story on Love? Errrm! How do I tell the journey of my love life?

Well, I guess most of us learn how to Love from our parents. I guess I had that for a while until the divorce. Despite the separation I always pride myself as the product of Love. Why do I say that? Well the hatred displayed between my parents shows how both are hurt beyond means because their Love has been shattered. In analyzing the evidence, I know their Love for each other was great for their hatred for each was equivalent great. That is my first lesson on Love.

I vowed to myself that when I do Love it will also be as great as their Love and I would not allow anything to tarnish that Love. I would ensure that my babies whom shall be the product of that Love be protected and not experience the impact of shattered Love.

But life does not always go as what you want and desire. My life didn't. My dreams were shattered by the person I trusted whom in the end uses me. The impact? I will always be insecure, I am not good enough, I am unworthy. Those are what has been chanted in my heart and mind. I grew up working hard to prove myself that I am worthy to be Loved. Did I managed to achieve my goals?

Unfortunately, I didn't. The only success was only that I gave and Love unconditionally. For that I cared relentlessly for those I Love. Did I get a return? Well I have three handsome sons. That is what drive me now. That is what fills my heart other than my secret Love. What dear Journal? You are asking how about the Love of men to me.

I don't know. I thought that my spouse would love me unconditionally. But he has proven me wrong. I am never good enough despite all the efforts I have put in. I mend my ways to suit him, I do as I was told, I fend the family and feed the family, all in the name of love. But this year I had to swallow the hard truth. I was not good enough. The truth left my heart hollow. Despite all that I still walk tall and shows a tough exterior. No one's other that does who are close to me knows. I cried in silence, mend my pride and hurt in silence. My only true companion was Allah. And I have wronged him in so many ways.

Despite all that Allah has never left my side. He has sent angels to mend my wounds, to teach me how to Love again, to warm my heart and soul and gave me strength for me to remain tall. Some of these angels have left me but the impact of their Love still resides in me. Those who remain with me often reminds me that despite all odds "Life Must Goes On" and "I will Survive". How so? Well, according to the angel life is all about choices. Sometime we made good ones will other times we made bad ones. So we have to live with the choices we made. We have to learn to change and embrace the wisdom that every rise and fall we have in the journey of our life.

My darling Journal, I am grateful for the angels whom has taught me to Love again. The lessons does not always come with rosy words or melodious rhymes that chants Love serenade. Most of the times it comes through cynical banter, quarrels and cry of pain. The angels has also taught me to manage jealousy. To me jealousy is the root of all evil in my love journey. I admit as I Love hard, my level of jealousy is at chronic level. The Angel always soothes me with the understanding as we clear the air that it is all right to be jealous as it the proof that you Love someone and afraid of losing them. But in this instant the angel has build back TRUST in my heart. It is only with TRUST that the sanctity of Love can grow despite the odds.

My darling journal, I am in Love and with that Love I am walking tall again. My stride is strong and despite all odds I know that I have the support of my love ones. I am truly blessed and grateful. I would not be blind again and I truly believe in the Power Of Love. Thank you my Love for your Love and Trust. I love you.