Thoughts

I understand me?

There are so many things you can do with your life
I didn't know what to do with mine
I didn't even wanted to try
All I wanted was to let my life behind

All I wanted was to make decisions I won't regret
All I saw made me think there wouldn't be enough time
To do all things I want to experience in my life

I ran away
I felt a void
I was scared
I fear too many things

So many things I wanna learn
I wanted to do it all
But I said I didn't want to live

I loved my life but hated to live

When I thought it makes sense
I looked at the things
I looked at the people
But what is with me?
I searched for a talent but all I got was the feeling of being empty

I thought I don't worth it
Nobody needs me
Maybe my family
But when I grow up who would still need me
I could just disappear
I could just run away from my fears

I cried a lot
Not understanding what I feel
I didn't understand myself
What do my tears mean when I am happy today?
Why does it hurt when it's just psychical pain

How does it feel to be alive when it feels like I am dead
How do I feel?

All I was doing felt so unnecessary
School seemed useless when I just could throw my life away

For my later life all I need was to study to work , to get money
All I need to do is to work all my life , for a good job
That's normal
But it tears me apart
So all we are doing is working for live that's the only sense

Grades
Friends
Family
What will remain
When we all will forget
We all will live on

But why did I feel forgotten when life was happening around me
I was surrounded by reasons to live

I didn't found my place yet
And I didn't thought I ever will

I thought what I feel wouldn't count
'Cause there are people who feel much worse

All I wanted was to be left out
All the bad things that happen in the world
I can't change them
But I am part of it when I am alive

It's another decision to make

My chest hurt so much these days
The losing of people you love
Friendships that break apart
I didn't feel well
My eyes saw the hell
But did they really?
There are much worse things than I was in

I didn't want to be alive
There's so much pain that's the thing which remains
I could just die
Fast , today
I didn't know what keeps me alive
I  still don't know
All I know is that I can't explain

If I could I wouldn't feel the things I am feeling for a while  now

If  I could...
If I could I would change the world with words