Phan Oneshots

Endless Night (p1)

TW: depression suicidal thoughts

To Dan everything was black and white.
There was no colour in this dull world he was stuck in. People say that at time time all the monsters come out.

To Dan, they were the monsters in his head, the monsters that left him in an constant endless night of doubt and self hatred.

Everything was simple,plain boring and repeated.

He hated it.

For months things went wrong and suddenly he couldn't feel. He couldn't see the light- he couldn't even find happiness in old memories.

He hated it.

He felt alone and like no one cared.

He'd probably be better gone. He would be out of the way, right?everyone would be happier.

Being at home never helped,there were constant arguments between everyone. He didn't like it there.

When he was with friends,he would try his best to have fun-sometimes succeeding ,just not enough. He preferred it to being at home as he felt as if he was annoying people.

Dan felt he was the reason the sun wasn't shining in his world.Like he was the thick layer of fog;The thing people hated most. Day or night. It's a danger you see, and that's what he felt like. A danger. Something everyone tries to avoid.

He felt as if he wasn't good enough,like he should be locked away to rot.

School was another hate of his. Long constant periods of listening to teachers go on about something he won't need in life. Actually..wait..what was dan doing with his life?what did he want to be? He won't be successful of course. Dan thought he could never be. He was Dan Howell after all.

And no one cares about Dan Howell.

However one day it was different.

The night before it got worse, dan felt as if it had to end. Now. Tonight.

He had made his plans and he had arranged his disappearance of this dreadful place where dreams for him were crushed the second they came to mind.

You see, He wanted to clear himself and for the sun to shine again, he really did. He wish he could notice the way a certain colour stood out other than darkness.

But there was no way of that happening.

Not for him.

He spent the first part of science thinking about peoples reactions.

Will they care? No.

Only one word stood out to Dan. 'death'.

They were learning about the human cycle.

He just wouldn't complete his.

But then out of no where he walked in.

Smiling, his teeth giving a bright glow.

His hair was dark, darker than dans thoughts. But that might just be Dans perspective on everything.

He had skin, paler than snow it's self-

it was beautiful; not a single flaw in sight.

But what drawed Dans attention most to the boy was his eyes.

Oh what a lovely shade of sky they are.

Dan wished he could go flying in them , they're honestly the most perfect things to exist on this planet.

They light up the room.

And then Dan realises, that a small smile is placed upon his own face. Dan Howell was smiling again.

Dan notice small rays of sun shine beaming from the mysterious boy.

Probably the last tiny fraction of light Dan will ever see again.

But something about this boy gives Dan hope.

He thinks he may bring enough light to bring back happiness.

Enough light to block out the demons in his head.

Enough light, to save him.

When the boy comes to sit next to Dan, he feels something he hasn't felt in a long time.

For once Dan is not in doubt of himself. The beautiful boy chose him.

He's appreciated.

But Dan wonders if this boy will be his sunshine.

And most of all, if he will be able to end his constant endless night of doubt and self hatred.