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how's everybody doing? i missed y'all. okay, what the hell, when did i start talking like that?
so. i disappeared from the face of wattpad for quite an extended period of time, dare i say. how long has it been? two months? the reason behind that unfortunate event is my inability to contain my stupidity. allow me to educate ya real quick.
i didn't completely lie in previous chapters when i told you we had terrible weather conditions. the fact that i was drowning in both rain and homework was not false. but those were not the only reason i stopped uploading and writing in general. i have this mindset, i've been living with, for the past 17 years. that mindset is destroying me. it's about myself being so cynical and critical of everything surrounding what i do and say. it's about how i can't live without the burden of failure and this constant lump in my throat and pain, not in my head, but in my brain and my feelings in particular.
i feel like i have no reason to live, not a goal in my life, everything is being mechanical and meaningless. and don't get me wrong, i am such a procrastinator, i wouldn't even be bothered to go into the process of killing myself or making someone else's day or life miserable. i'm just a hopeless soul, wondering around every place i'm forced to be at.
during the past few months, i came to the realisation, i haven't made a decision for myself since 2017. 20fucking17. i don't know about you but that seems like a long time for me. the outcome of this, i'm sitting an exam i don't want to, to get into a university i don't really give a fuck about, to live a life in a town i hate wholeheartedly. how's your life going?
now, we are all aware of how much of a drama supreme i am, we all know i am upset with everyone and everything but this time, it's serious and 100% real.
i have really high expectations of myself and guess what? so does everyone else. why, you may ask. and to that i may answer. i am a bright child, meaning smart, quick and in general, so pathetically damn witted. i'm not saying this to you for personal reasons and to make you feel bad. i'm saying this because whenever i say that to someone, THEY AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME I'M A STRAIGHT A STUDENT AND I GET HONOURS AND I STUDY DAY AND NIGHT AND MY GOAL IS TO STUDY AT HARVARD
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and i'm just sitting here like
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point is, i hate my life right now, i hate most of the people surrounding me, i hate my lifestyle, i hate my hair, because i got a haircut and i hate it. the truth is, i don't deserve this much hate in my life. i don't deserve it and i don't want it.
this has to be ond of the most random chapters but at least i uploaded something.
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