Be My One Regret

be my 1 regret / 22

~now~

GROVELING....it's a talent

"Cleo, I'm sorry. How many more times can I say it?" I pinch the bridge of my nose as the phone receiver rests in the crook of my shoulder and ear. My chest aches as I swivel in my office chair and look over the skyline of the city in the morning sunshine.

A week had past. And still I was successfully alienated from everyone I cared or mostly cared about. I was a social pariah. A leper. An absolute outcast. No one would talk to me. Not my dad. Not Cleo. Not Baz. Not Tucker. Not even Tanner. I had been blackballed. Everyone was mad at me about something.

Which in my defense, Tucker and Tanner had no right to be. I was the one that was infuriated with them for their idiotic arguments about what was best for me. They were assholes. Plain and simple. And probably always will be.

My dad, on the other hand, he sorta had a right to be. He was still waiting for me to make a decision. Which I had yet to do. But he wasn't exactly in my good graces either. I was still irritated by his approach. To assume I'd just bend over with elation at his twisted version of 'undying love' being shown thru handing over his company on a silver platter was just ludicrous. So, he was on the asshole list too. Until further notice,or until  the chip on my wounded childhood self shoulder should ever fall off.

But as for Cleo and Baz, I was the asshole. And there was no getting around that. I had set myself up for destruction the moment I caved to Tucker. I backslid like a crack headed prostitute needing one last hit. And I hated myself for it. I also hated that Cleo covered for me. Again. It was wrong. And it was wrong for having left Baz high and dry. Extremely. Because he didn't even know how tremendously pathetic I really was.

So, it sucks to being all alone. Being the asshole begging for forgiveness. More than sucks. And every part of me wishes I could fix it.

Like I was trying to do now with pathetically desperate groveling to my roommate. Because I was in anguish from every snide comment and snarky look that dagger-ed at me from across our not so big kitchen table every day. I just wanted her to like me again. Badly. So whatever it would take, I was willing to try.

Cleo sniffles thru the phone. "I dunno, Fi. Maybe a few more times? Do you know what kind of position you put me in with Baz? I mean...gawd..." She hiccups a short sob, and my face scrunches for causing the awkward pain. "...he really likes you...did...still...I dunno. He's so confused. I've never seen him like this about any girl. He usually doesn't care,  but with you, gawd, Fi, with you, I think my cousin was seeing things more serious. And then you went and blew it again and ditched him...but gawd not just like you were sick or something ditching. Damn, girl, do you know how hard it is to not tell him the truth?"

The complicated scenario of Baz and his feelings for me sharply drives thru my chest. And that I indirectly placed Cleo in the center of it all smacks me across the face with remorse for both. She knew where I had been. Either she figured it or Tanner threw me under the bus. But neither matters. It still left me hanging with no decent reply for my lack of judgment. 

"I...ah...um..."

She snorts. "Right. No. I can't. That would kill him if he knew about your sick backsliding issues with Tucker Jones. Gawd, what is it with that guy? Does he have like a gigantic cock or something?"

Her random boldness cracks a shocked laughter from me. "Oh my gawd, Cleo! No."

"Then what is it about him? Why lead Baz on if you're only going to keep hooking up with your old douche bag flame?"

Again, bold and blunt. But I deserved it. All of it. Probably more. "I'm sorry Cleo. I know I'm an idiot. I hate myself for it and so wish I could redo what I did. I just..." I sigh, heart wrenching against my ribs. "damn it, Cleo, I don't know what's wrong with me. But I do know that I need my room mate to like me again. I need a friend, Cleo, please. I'm a hot mess and have no one to talk to about any of this. I just need help. I need someone to tell me what to do."