I remember the pain, the thoughts brought pain. I swam deep into the ocean of my head. People swam around me like i was nothing, i guess thats what i was. I was hungry, all the time, i was hungry.
Ignore it Anna, the cravings will fade. Don't let them spoil your day. The constant thoughts approached my head deep towards my stomach. A rawr crept out in class, people looked at me in disgust. I wasn't the lesbo anymore, i was the version of malnourished. Beth still hasn't said a word, yet she managed to walk past me with a half smile. That just made matters worse. She hasn't spoke to me in what seems decades, yet she can finally decide to just smile at me, as if nothing happened.
Anger and disgust at myself, i ate that slice of cake, the slice worth 404 calories. I am for the dead. I look at my body what am i? I ask this question most times off the day, but no one yet understands. They can't understand, they question but they only get looks for answers. I can't physically pull myself through the questions they ask me. They ask why i look so ill, i do know the answer but if i could only explain my eating habits to them, if only they could see it the way i could. Mother has noticed the extreme drop in weight and the 'ill' look i hold on my face, she always comments on how awful i look. I just ignore it all, ignore them all. I look at my body and i agree with the comments, i feel fatter then ever, it makes me look awful. My chubby cheeks bring huge circles under my eyes. If only i could be, if only they'll understand.
Again, i sit alone except with my thoughts. I heard laughter and everyone drifting into there own conversation. My deep thoughts get dismissed as i stare deep at Beth she was laughing, laughing at her new bestfriends. I sat there staring at her, the odd occation through her conversation she flicked her eyes in my direction but it was only as if i wasn't there, like i was fading or something. I start to walk away from the dinner hall as i was rudely stopped there stood Mary, a member of the dinner staff and a close friend. "Hello, Anna, Have anything nice to eat today?" emphasing on 'eat'. I looked shocked not sure how to reply but then i remembered it was friday "Uummm fish and chips, they were delicious!" i smiled trying my best to hide the denial. "Okay Anna, just that this is a new term as it has been for 3 weeks and we always have new meals"- OH SHIT! What do i say to that! I completely forgot that it's a new term, "Look love, there's no point of making an excuse, i know you have not been eating as does your mother" wait she told my mum! "You told my Mum! You had no right, i can't believe you would do something like that to me!" as i came to the end of my sentence i just couldn't hold the tears back, i basically shedded a waterfall. "Anna come here, (pulling me in for a hug, great) you know i don't wanna hurt you but you should eat, it's bad if you don't. Your mum told me to keep an eye on you because she thought you was getting bullied but no this is fair worse, why didn't you just talk to me, ehh?" her chin dug in to my head as i numbled "i couldn't even if i tried."
English, great! Another lesson sat awkwardly next to Beth. "What was up with you earlier?" wait Beth just talked to me!! "hmm you talking to me!" "Well who else silly? So what was up with you earlier?" so all of a sudden she's being nice to me and caring for me! "i don't know what your on about!" i lied, "Yes you do!" "Why? Why do you care all a sudden? It's not as if we're friends?" my voice started to crack, not now anna don't let yourself down. "Anna, you knew i had no choice, i shouldn't even be talking to you now! It was for the best, at least we aren't called lesbians anymore!" i did it i let myself down i cried. "If you was my real friend you wouldn't care what people say and if you do so much don't fucking talk to me again!"
Thank fuck for that, home time!
