Free yet trapped

Chapter 17: Love?

    Cat:

"How many people have you loved?" He asks it out of nowhere.

"Um- my siblings, my parents, you." I say trying not to let him see my unease.

"Cat, how many people have you fallen in love with, I'm not the first one, am I?" He asks on a serious tone.

"Why are you asking me now?" I say, avoiding the subject.

"I just want to know." He shrugs. "You loved them, didn't you? Stop denying it, I don't care." He says starting to get angry. I know he's referring to Jacob and April, and he clearly cares.

"No. I love them, I loved them and I still do." I confess

"They're dead, how can you love a dead person?" He mutters. Great, now he's jealous of his dead siblings.

"Love never dies, it can change and intensify but it will never die, even if I know I won't see them again, that doesn't mean that I'll stop loving them. I guess my love for them has faded with the years, but I would still give my life if that meant getting them back." I say looking into his confused eyes.

"So you love them more than you love me, or is it the same?" He asks more curious than angry.

"Couldn't say. I'm aware of how much of an asshole Jacob was to... everyone. Everyone but me. That doesn't mean that we didn't have our arguments about it. April was always nicer, but being stuck in a room with her for four years I ended up seeing all sides of her. Compared to them I barely know you, well, at least I don't believe you're this perfect, I don't believe that anyone could be this kind, although I know you behave differently when I'm around. But I didn't chose to fall in love with any of you, it just happened." I explain resting my body on his. "I guess I would have to see who I would give my life for, then again, I haven't seen one of them in seven years, and the other one in three. I'm not even sure in what way I loved Jacob, I don't know how it would had evolved." I continue.

"What about April? What would had happened if she were still alive?" he asks.

I sigh, unsure if I should tell him. "You want me to be honest?" I ask, he nods. "Well, I was completely in love with her, that I do know, she knew about it and never bothered to clear up where our relationship stood. Then she broke my heart when she started her relationship with Harry, I guess I should had known better than to trust them. And when Harry... you know, she stood by his side, it was like she didn't even care, like she had forgotten I even existed." I explain, tears starting to build up in my eyes.

"I'm here for you, I'll always be." Oscar says wiping the few tears that had fallen.

"Why?" I ask him.

"Why what?" He asks scratching my head.

"Why do you love me?" I ask looking into his coffee brown eyes.

"You said it yourself, I can't chose to love you, but I wouldn't want it any other way." He says rubbing his forehead against mine.

I close my eyes, debating what to do. I'm scared of starting a relationship with him again, I'm scared of the visions, but I want him, I love him and this is the first time things seem to be going my way.

"So, I don't want to pressure you, but what does this mean? Are you willing to give me another chance? I'll make it worth it." Oscar says as if he had read my mind.

I look up at him. "I don't want you to change, you are not the reason why we broke up. To me you're perfect the way you are." I say smiling.

"Then why? Because they were bothering you, isn't it? They haven't really left your mind." He asks and I look at him, unsure of what he's referring to, he smiles understandingly. "You sometimes talk to me as if I were one of them, that's how I knew that you were in love with them." He explains.

"How much about me do you know that I don't?" I ask. He laughs.

"More than you think." He admits. "But you should had told me." He says now serious.

"I know, I was scared. At first it was too painful for me, and when I started getting over it we were already dating. I didn't know how to say it." I let out. He sighs, and forces a smile on his face.

"You can count on me next time, whatever we are. I admit I don't know how I would had reacted, but... I would had liked to know earlier." He says sweetly scratching my ear.

"I'm sorry." I say against his chest. "I'm sorry for dragging you into this mess, you don't deserve it, I don't deserve you, you deserve someone better." I whisper against him.

"I think you're perfect, you are the one who doesn't deserve what happened to you." He says, leaning in. I connect our lips in a slow and gentle kiss that doesn't last long. "Cat, I really need an answer. It's just that... I don't want to get fake ideas again, I don't want this to happen just for you to act tomorrow as if we were just friends." He says smiling nervously.

I smile at him. "We can try something out." I agree with him.

"Really?!" he says, his eyes lighting up in joy. I nod with a smile myself.

"But on one condition." I say turning serious. He nods. "We keep this a secret, I'm not completely sure about this. One week and I'll give you a definite answer." I say my hands caressing his shoulders. He nods in agreement and unable to hide his smile.

"Please, tell me I can kiss you. Other ways, I think I'm going to explode." He says, his hands wondering through my torso. I nod and he's kissing me in less than a second. I shift and curl my legs around his waist, pulling him closer to me. He starts laying me on the mattress and that's when I realize where this is going.

"Oscar, please. I can't do this, even if I want to." I say pushing him away.

"Right, sorry, I didn't mean to do that, I just got excited." He says sitting back up and helping me up too. I feel uncomfortable on his lap so I sit in front of him instead, but the discomfort between my legs doesn't leave. "Cat, are you ok?" he asks me, I shake my head.

"I think I should leave." I say.