i'm at constant conflict with myself, because it's like i'm two separate people. we want two separate things. i look in the mirror and barely recognize myself. isn't that the opposite of what this is supposed to do? doing this is supposed to help, supposed to make me feel more like me. but instead of getting better it's getting worse and the more i see myself the more i dissociate. the two people that i am want two different things. good and bad. like the angel and the devil sitting on each shoulder yelling things into my ear and both ideas sound right but i can't choose a side. it's never ending. whether it's how i dress and how i look, or whether it's what my career path is going to be, or where i'm going to live or what i'm going to do or how i'm going to live my life... i can not choose a side. i can't live one single way. i am more than one person, more than one entity, and both minds want different things. i can't choose. i can't choose. there's no right path no right career no comfortable way to dress no way that i look good no perfect place to live no perfect job to have. nothing. it is all undecided and it will remain that way until the day that i am deceased and 6 feet under the damn surface. not because i want things that way, so uncertain and with so many alternative possibilities, but because i can't make it stop. i can't choose. i can't choose. i'm comfortable one way but my brain says it's better to be another way, and i want to be that way, but i'm comfortable and i won't come out of my shell. all i want is to be normal, and other people want me to be normal too. i wanna be normal just as bad as they want me to be normal. they don't understand. i don't really understand. i'm tired of hating myself and questioning everything, and changing my mind and being so indecisive. i can't choose.
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Captains Log
Kurgu Olmayanlife through the eyes of someone who has so much to say, but isn't sure of how to say it.
