losing light [RPDR•TRIXYA]

drug

tw//drug/substance abuse, eating disorders, anxiety, emotional/domestic abuse

katya
"willam, tell trix i won't be at lunch, okay?"
"uh, do it yourself? she's your girlfriend." willam rolled her eyes and bit into whatever greasy deepfried crap she'd bought for far too much of daddy's money.
"for the last time- she's not my girlfriend."

"then how come she slept over yours after you kissed at the show?"

"it wasn't like that." i lied through gritted teeth, and willam sighed.
"sure. yeah, i'll tell her. but you need to let her know what you're doing."
"since when are you responsible?"

"i'm not, but i'm honest with my friends."
"okay, fine. i'll tell her soon. i'm not ready."

"well, you better get ready. i'll see you later, i actually like this class."

"chemistry?"

"yeah, mr rice says he'll teach me how to cook meth if i get an A plus."

"let me know how that goes."

--

"katya..." trixie breathed into my skin. i'd needed this.
she was soft and smooth and tasted like strawberries. she was everything i wasn't. trixie's fingers traced my ribs, and i finally felt worth something. because trixie thought i was worth touching.

--

kimchi

i saw naomi outside of the office when i went to drop off papers. she looked skinnier than last time i'd seen her. like she could barely stand up.
"hey!" i smiled, noticing katya standing behind her.
katya turned with a grin and waved.
"are you okay, nims?" i said. naomi smiled suddenly, but too widely.
"yeah, why?"
"you just look..." i paused, trying to find the words, some that wouldn't upset her. "different."
"i'm fine. thanks, kim. i'll see you later."
"are you coming to lunch?"
"uh, maybe. i'll think about it."
"okay. good to see you, katz."
"you too." katya said, turning  back to her conversation with naomi.

-

i sat down with bob, my head in my hands. trixie came to join us.
"no katya?" bob asked.
"no, she said she had a meeting with a teacher."

"oh, okay."
"what's up with kim?"
"no fucking clue. that's what i'm trying to figure out." bob said bluntly. 

trixie rubbed my back and softly asked me what's wrong.
"it's naomi." i sigh, looking at her. "i can't figure out how to help her."

"help her?" she repeated.

"she hasn't been eating. she looks so sickly, i don't know what to do."
"have you talked to her about it?"
"no, i don't know how."
"katya used to...she had periods where she wouldn't eat. you just need to talk to her. sit her down, go see her after school so she's somewhere private and comfortable. hang out with her often, but don't do things centred around food. like go to the park or do eachothers makeup, don't force her to eat. is she seeing the counsellor?"
"i don't know." 
"ask mr matthews. and ask him to refer her to a doctor. she won't get better on her own."

--

katya

"so how have you been feeling since last time, katya?" mr matthews said, starting the timer.
"um, good i think. okay, at least." i got out my journal, opening a new page, dating it and started to doodle as i talked.
"any updates?"
"i think trixie's my girlfriend. kind of."
"that's great!"
"i guess. i'm terrified."
"why?"
"last night, we...we had a moment. and she was right in front of me and...and i got a phonecall."
"from?"
"trannika."

"oh, dear." he sighed, looking at his notes from our last session.
"there's so much she doesn't know. things i can never tell her. i could destroy her, you know?"
"mhmm."
"and maybe i want to." i said. when the words left my mouth, they hit me. maybe i wanted to hurt her.

"mr matthews, i need help."
"i know you do, katya."
"no, like. i need serious help. what if i hurt her? if i get mad and hit her? if i-"
"slow down. why do you want to hurt her?"
"because." i sighed. "i don't want her to love me. because i don't deserve it."
"there." he made a note. 
"there what?"
"there's the problem. you're insecure."
"yeah. but i don't see how that changes anything."

he drew a circle on a sheet of paper, and wrote 'anxiety' inside of it.
"look." he said softly, drawing lines and writing problems. consequences.
"none of this is your fault. none of these feelings or your addiction. people with anxiety are prone to drug abuse. and you know that you'd never hurt trixie." he put down his pen. "have you got a photo of her?"
i pulled out my phone and showed him the wallpaper, a photo that courtney had taken of us singing at the show.

"what do you feel when you look at her?"
"so much." i said quietly. "she's beautiful. my everything. she's joy and hope and pleasant surprises and. she's ecstasy."
"anything else?"
i waited a moment. 
"fear."
"okay." he wrote that down. "now. i'm gonna call your doctor, and ask him to prescribe you some anxiety medication. you're gonna give it to your mom, okay?"
"okay."
"she's gonna look after it, and give you one pill every morning."
"okay."
"katya." he said. i finally made eye contact with him.
"you're gonna be fine. just remember how much you love her."
"i will."

"good." and the bell rang for fifth period.

--

wanted to write

wrote

read it over

and

just as i thought

trash